 Do you ever sink "down inside yourself?" Boy, I sure do. All kinds of experiences, hard and wonderful, can trigger heavy feelings of sadness, grief and loss. We most often associate painful experiences as a trigger for our sorrows. However, having a positive experience of deep connection with a friend or loved one triggers elation while you are together and can also serve to intensify our sadness on the tail end when a special time together comes to a temporary or permanent conclusion. Singer and songwriter, David Wilcox, first coined this phrase for me. This describes very well what it can feel like for us when these feelings are deeply affecting us. To be down inside yourself can mean that you are devoting some much needed and overdue attention to your inner life. It can also mean that big unexpected feelings have surfaced and you are feeling pulled under by the weight of them. David Wilcox has a talent for skillfully articulating deeper rhythms and experiences of the inner life. He would readily share that his guitar has been a tool for him to explore and excavate the inner rumblings of his own heart and soul. We need tools, like a guitar, to help us attend to our inner life. As my friend Alex shares often, "we need to feel felt." These lines in "Down Inside Yourself" resonate with me and I am able to connect with them...and I begin to feel felt. "Help me shake this nightmare The funk has found my heart I need to move my spirit But I don't know where to start I need to fill this empty But I can't find the missing part I'm just down inside myself" Music and Art can be such helpful tools for helping us access our hearts and to illuminate our own experience. The artist brings their inner experience to the surface and gives us the opportunity to find solidarity with what is an innately human experience. At our core, though, we desperately need others, and sometimes very specific others, who can listen and be curious with us. To share about being "down inside myself" is awfully risky because we step out into vulnerability and invite another person to see and hear us. Shame, at least the toxic brand, tells us to remain in secrecy, silence and maybe even judgement. Let's resist the temptation to isolate by leaning into vulnerability which inevitably can lead to connection. Maybe we need to connect more intentionally with our partner or spouse, or reach out to a trusted friend. In many cases, it might be helpful to sit with a trained professional who can offer us non-anxious space to explore our inner life while offering us their curious, warm and empathic attention. Let's listen to David's song below and continue reading on... Here are some common obstacles people face when scheduling their first counseling appointment to attend to their inner lives.
These factors can combine to make the first step of scheduling a therapy appointment feel like a significant hurdle for many. May you take notice of when you are "down inside yourself" and offer yourself the gift of feeling felt. Reach out and connect to someone. If we can help you get connected to a counselor at Elbow Tree who will offer you this kind of helpful space, don't hesitate to reach out. Turn here. You are worth it! The best email to use when attempting to schedule with an Elbow Tree counselor is [email protected].
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 by Hayne Steen, LMHC Ted Lasso is a heartwarming, feel-good comedy-drama series centered around an optimistic American football coach, Ted Lasso, who is hired to coach an English soccer team despite having no experience with the sport. Played by Jason Sudeikis, Ted’s unwavering positivity, kindness, and belief in the power of teamwork and human connection stand in stark contrast to the cynicism and competitiveness of the world around him. Throughout the series, Ted faces personal challenges, but his empathy and emotional intelligence bring out the best in those around him, creating a story that blends humor, sports, and deeper reflections on vulnerability, leadership, and mental health. This bar scene is my favorite...I bet it will stir something in you too! I have probably referenced this specific scene with over a hundred clients, both individuals and couples. Watch this scene and continue reading on below... When the Apple television series, Ted Lasso, dropped in 2020, I truthfully could not get enough of this brilliant new show. To say I was obsessed would be an understatement. I watched the first two seasons at least four times. As you may recall. we were all home in 2020 due to COVID and the world truly needed show like this one. To be honest, I STILL need a show like this one! Little did I know how much in common I would soon have with the show's main character, Ted. Ted Lasso's divorce is a poignant and emotional subplot in the series, highlighting his vulnerability beneath his usual optimism and humor. As his marriage deteriorates, Ted struggles to reconcile his desire to keep his family together with the reality that his wife is no longer happy. Despite his deep love for her and their son, Ted ultimately agrees to the divorce, prioritizing his wife's emotional well-being over his own wishes. This decision leaves him grappling with feelings of loss, loneliness, and self-doubt, yet he continues to display remarkable resilience and grace, using his personal pain as a way to empathize more deeply with others. The divorce reveals Ted’s complexity, making him more relatable as he faces heartache while maintaining his trademark kindness and positivity. In Ted Lasso, the sports psychologist, Dr. Sharon Fieldstone, is introduced as a composed, insightful, and highly professional figure who initially contrasts Ted’s bubbly, open-hearted personality. Played by Sarah Niles, Dr. Sharon is brought in to help the AFC Richmond players with their mental health and performance issues. She quickly gains the players' trust with her direct, empathetic approach, helping them address personal challenges and emotional barriers that impact their game. At first, Ted is skeptical and even resistant to her methods, feeling threatened by her ability to connect with his team in ways he hasn’t. However, over time, Dr. Sharon helps Ted confront his own deeper emotional struggles, including his anxiety and unresolved issues from his divorce. Her presence and work with Ted highlight the importance of mental health and self-awareness, providing a more nuanced view of emotional support that balances Ted’s positivity with introspection and healing. In the early part of 2023, as I was navigating the reality of my own divorce, two friends who had each experienced the pain of divorce, pointed me to two books. The first book was When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd. I read that book every day in the first few weeks of my new journey. The first book, When the Heart Waits, by Sue Monk Kidd is a reflective and deeply spiritual book about navigating times of uncertainty, loss, and personal transformation. For a man going through a divorce, this book offered profound insights into the pain of waiting during periods of transition. Kidd draws parallels between life’s difficulties and the natural process of spiritual growth, likening it to the transformation of a cocoon into a butterfly. She emphasizes that in times of heartache, such as a divorce, it is essential to embrace the waiting period, allowing space for deep reflection and healing rather than rushing to fill the void. Kidd encourages patience and faith, suggesting that the struggles of life are opportunities for personal growth, and ultimately, transformation. For a man facing the end of his marriage, the book served as a gentle guide for rediscovering himself and finding hope amid uncertainty The second book recommended was The Middle Passage - From Misery to Meaning in Midlife by James Hollis. My friend also shared that this book had made a debut on the show Ted Lasso. It was shown on the desk of aforementioned, Dr. Sharon Fieldstone. Ted took time to read The Middle Passage...so did I. Fear of our own depths is the enemy. –James Hollis  The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife by James Hollis is a psychological exploration of the transition many people experience in midlife. For someone who has recently divorced, this book offers profound insights into the personal transformation that often accompanies life’s major upheavals, like the end of a marriage. Hollis describes the "middle passage" as a period of deep soul-searching that often arises when the structures of one's life—career, relationships, identity—begin to break down. Divorce, in this context, can be a catalyst for confronting long-buried aspects of the self and uncovering new meaning in life. Key insights from The Middle Passage for someone who has recently divorced include:
If Ted Lasso were to interact with The Middle Passage by James Hollis, it would likely be a profound and transformative experience for him. Ted, known for his unrelenting optimism, would find in Hollis’s exploration of midlife crises and personal growth a mirror to his own journey through divorce and emotional turmoil. Hollis’s emphasis on confronting the "false self" and embracing individuation would resonate with Ted, who often uses humor and positivity as a defense mechanism. As Ted delves into the book, he might reflect on how his persona as a "relentlessly positive coach" has, at times, masked his deeper feelings of inadequacy and unresolved pain. The Middle Passage could help him recognize the importance of facing his own vulnerability rather than simply being the emotional anchor for others. This new understanding would encourage Ted to balance his outward kindness with an inward journey of self-discovery, allowing him to transform his suffering into meaningful personal growth—much like Hollis advocates for those navigating life’s difficult transitions. We all need helpful resources when we are going through an experience as devastating and disorienting as a divorce. Even more than a good book, we need good friends who are willing to enter into the mess with us and listen. Even more, we all need soulful relationships with people who are curious, not judgmental. May you find this to be true for you too!
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