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Reflections for the inner life.
by Louise Osborn, LMHC
I woke up one morning recently with that odd mix of irritation, sadness and confusion. Nothing had happened, so why was I in such a funk? More importantly, how was I going to break it. I started with exploring the obvious. We traveled for Thanksgiving and came straight back to the grind of the week so the house wasn’t in order. That tends to make me feel out of sorts so I organized the kids room and front porch, threw out some things, took others to charity. Doing for others always makes you feel better right? And it did……but not like it usually does…..I was still off. I decided to begin the Christmas season by doing some decorating. Maybe that would help, but first I had to go get some new things. It was the music in Lowe’s, honestly, that did it. It brought everything flying back into my mind so clearly that I was shocked I hadn’t realized it when I first woke up that day. It was almost December. Friday would be December 1st, in fact. I’ve had 6 miscarriages. All but 2 have been in December. The last two were the furthest along. The last one was by far, the most traumatic which was in late December and thus mentally, it is intrinsically linked to Christmas music. I am learning that its not just the music. Its the season. During the last miscarriage, I was under so much pressure to perform as if nothing was wrong. We had three other children that I wanted to provide a good Christmas for (one a one year old) and my in laws were going to be in town staying with us. Unfortunately, due to the other miscarriages, we elected to keep this pregnancy a secret planning to reveal it at Christmas, which put me over 12 weeks and in the safety zone. We were pregnant with twins! The week prior to Christmas, at my 13 week mark, I went for my check up and my doctor failed to find one of the heartbeats. I was devastated. The week before we had two heartbeats. He consoled me, prayed with me and told me to come back the day before my in-laws landed. I did and learned we lost the other child. I endured the week of their visit in a blur of hiding, crying in my room and probably more alcohol than is healthy. I had surgery the day after they left on New Years Eve. The hospital played Christmas music and my in-laws never even knew I was pregnant. I have since more than made my peace with God. Now I understand why I went through what I went through and I love my son Matthew (our youngest, born the day before Thanksgiving the following year) so much that I can’t even contemplate him not being in our family. 8 years later, Christmas music still makes me cry. The body always remembers grief and makes you acknowledge it, no matter how hard you try to move on. Outside of the mother who loses her baby, no one else really acknowledges a lost pregnancy. It really is a lonely grief, especially years out. I have learned, though, that taking a few minutes to look at those old sonogram pictures tends to keep the grief at bay for another year. If you are in need of some grief counseling, Louise Osborn is available to take appointments in both the Julington Creek area or in our Elbow Tree office located in Saint Augustine. Her email is louise@elbowtreecooperative.com.
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There is a hunger within every human heart to connect deeply with others and ourselves. Not every person has the same appetite for human connection. While some may have a more voracious appetite to connect, others may not have as strong a felt need for it. Loneliness is good. Yes, you read that correctly. Like a hunger pain, we learn to listen to and honor our loneliness. Our hunger for connection is not something we will ever be able to shake. We would not want to "cure" our loneliness. That would equate to a broken form of emotional leprosy, not being able to "feel" our need for the nourishment of relationships. The pain of loneliness is different from the pain of isolation. Loneliness alerts us that we have a need to connect. Isolation is the experience of feeling hopelessly cut off from meaningful connection. Children who have grown up with severe food insecurities tend to have trouble "feeling hungry" and "feeling full." Their bodies and brains do not register the hunger feeling in the way their precious bodies were intended. Hunger is a feeling that tells me that I need to eat. Loneliness is a feeling that tells me that I have a hunger to connect. Isolation is a feeling that tells me that I have am starving relationally and am cut off from the relational nourishment of time spent with God, self and others. There are days when I feel lonely for my wife. Other days I might experience a loneliness for my friends. And still there is a loneliness for God that I feel and sometimes substitute with a person. One of the ways some people manage loneliness is to look at porn. In my friend Michael Cusick's book, "Surfing for God", he points to what people are looking for when they turn to fake connection for real connection. Michael's book hinges on the idea that, "when a man walks into a brothel, he is actually looking for God." Just like children in Haiti who eat "dirt cakes" to make their bellies stop aching, porn offers the same kind of sensation. Porn is a "dirt cake" that will never satisfy the intimacy we are seeking. In many ways it leaves us feeling even more gross, isolated and dissatisfied. Many of the "modern brothels" we spend time in aren't always sexual. Sometimes social media is a brothel we stare into. It offers the illusion of connection without any of the actual lasting benefit of being vulnerable. In the boredom of our loneliness, we log into Instagram attempting to borrow on the adventures of other people. We stare into the lives of people we know and we can't help but feel even more painfully alone in our own story. This past weekend at a college football game I was surrounded by people (and guilt myself) of taking lots of pictures. Never before have people been able to record so many precious memories of their life together. What struck me was the obsessive and pervasive behavior all around me...and it felt like many were actually missing the moment in their attempt to capture the moment. In our loneliness we seek to capture an image of connection and we miss the actual connections that could actually be happening. And then we wonder why we feel so isolated and cut off. Jesus felt lonely. He is often recorded to have wandered (on purpose) out to the lonely places to pray and be alone with the Father. Luke’s Gospel reveals eleven unique accounts of Jesus feeling his loneliness along with his response, which was to intentionally seek out the connection he needed most. Solitude and isolation "look" similar but they could not be more different. Solitude and isolation are not the same thing. Moving out into the lonely places to be with God allows me to meet the deepest longing of my soul. To enter into silence is to allow those lonely feelings to become even more noisy. To remain in the silence allows the noise to settle and for God's presence to be sensed and known. Sometimes we enter into silence with the intent of listening. Maybe we open our Bible. Maybe we close it. Maybe we open our journal and we write. Other times we close it and put our pen away. Some days we open our eyes and stare at beautiful landscapes noticing what's happening in our outer geography. Yet, other days may be marked by laying face down on a blanket paying attention to what's happening in our inner geography. The cure for loneliness is not actually a cure. It is a healthy response to hunger. Just like I might desire candy, it is wise to listen to the desire and discern what I am needing. Questions for further consideration: 1. Where do you tend to go first when you feel lonely? 2. When are you most prone to isolating yourself? 3. Is there a way that you are attempting to satisfy loneliness that only leaves you even more painfully lonely? 4. What would it look like for you to listen to your loneliness and honor it well? Thats What The Lonely Is For
by David Wilcox The depth of your dreams The height of your wishes The length of your vision to see The hope of your heart Is much bigger than this For it's made out of what might be Picture your hope, your heart's desire As a castle that you must keep In all of its splendor, it's drafty with lonely This heart is too hard to heat But when I get lonely, that's only a sign Some room is empty that room is there by design If I feel hollow, well, that's just my proof that there's some more For me to follow that's what the lonely is for Is it a curse or a blessing? This palace of promise When the empty chill makes you weep With only the thin fire of romance to warm you These halls are too tall and deep But when I get lonely, that's only a sign Some room is empty that room is there by design If I feel hollow, well, that's just my proof that there's some more For me to follow that's what the lonely is for But you can seal up the pain Build walls in the hallways Close off a small room to live in But those walls will remain And keep you there always And you'll never know why you were given Why you were given the lonely Some room is empty, if you feel hollow that's Just your proof that there's some more You need to follow that's what the lonely is for For the depth of your dreams The height of your wishes The length of your vision to see The hope of your heart Is much bigger than this For it's made out of what might be But when I get lonely, that's only a sign Some room is empty that room is there by design If I feel hollow, well, that's just my proof that there's some more For me to follow that's what the lonely is for When I get lonely, some room is empty And if I feel hollow that's just my proof that there's some more For me to follow that's what the lonely is for Me to follow that's what the lonely is for, for me to follow We live in a day and age when our lives are less hidden. The advent of social media has accelerated human connection and not all of it is helpful. Our mobile phones have become a primary method for communication. They have also become a powerful tool for manufacturing and maintaining toxic secrets.
You will not find one body of valid research promoting the introduction of toxic secrecy in a marriage to help a relationship flourish. No couple in my counseling office has ever uttered the words, “Our marriage was really struggling, but things got so much better once we started keeping secrets from one another.” If you are in a marriage where secrets are sabotaging trust, let’s take a deep breath and take a minute explore this a little further. If you are keeping a secret from your spouse, your feelings of guilt, shame and fear are understandable. They will force you to hide, even from yourself. Over time, this guarded posture will suffocate you the longer you remain in it. The weightiness of your secret/s will cause an emotional, relational and a spiritual scoliosis, bending and shaping you into someone who you will not even recognize. It’s time to begin exploring how to pivot toward the freedom of transparency. On the other hand, if you suspect that your spouse may be hiding something, the upset and heartache you are experiencing are also valid and normal. No matter how you happen to uncover a secret, whether accidentally or if you go in hunting for it, your hurt is a very normal human response along with anger, fear, and sadness. The longer you remain in this cycle of mistrust, the more profoundly you will be formed and shaped by it. To remain in an enduring pattern of hyper-vigilance to your spouses habit of lies and secrets is absolutely toxic. It’s time to begin exploring how to courageously pivot toward the freedom of some newly formed boundaries. In marriage, there are huge differences between healthy secrets and toxic secrets. Healthy secrets are time limited for things like birthday gifts, special surprises like concert tickets, and other life giving celebratory events. Healthy secrets promote a spirit oneness in the marriage leaving couples feeling more intimately connected. For example, we willfully operate within agreed upon budgets. We also don’t humiliate or embarrass but celebrate and affirm. Healthy secrets bless your spouse should they ever happen to discover them prematurely. What’s the difference between my “private thought life” and a “secret.” Everyone has private thoughts. Your thought life is a much different environment than your secret life. Private thoughts are reserved as a place for the necessary work of internal consideration, contemplation, discernment or self examination. Your private thoughts can hold onto healthy secrets indefinitely without any negative outcome. Secrets, specifically “toxic secrets”, indicate some current or future action that will jeopardize the integrity of a trusting relationship. Toxic secrets are marked by the strategic intent to withhold, mask, manipulate or hide both actions or intentions. Private thoughts honor the timeless tradition of seeking wisdom and listening well to wise counsel. Another way of describing a toxic secret is “any action or intent that threatens oneness in a marriage.” Oneness is the tender but resilient space between a husband and wife that is reserved for honoring one another well and living a Christ centered life together. Oneness is a space marked by a growing number of the fruits of the spirit; “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23) If a husband cultivates intimate emotional space with a woman who is not his wife or his therapist, and he elects to keep the details of his intimate engagement sheltered or harbored in secrecy, that would describe an example of a “toxic secret.” Couples who keep secrets plant seeds of discontent and over time they grow into trees that can not be pulled up by hand. Had those secrets been given the opportunity to be shared and known when they were saplings, they could have been dealt with and handled accordingly being pulled out by the root. By the time many couples come into marriage counseling, they have sown many seeds of toxic secrecy that have been planted. Time has often only intensified their resolve to keep them hidden. One excuse is, “I just don’t think it’s worth hurting my spouse with that information after so many years.” Another might be, “I love them to much to share this secret now. It would wreck them.” Secrets grow and they become heavy and burdensome. They crowd out trust and intimacy. Intimate touch, soft tones, tender nudges, loving approaches, loving pursuit all become the first victims of toxic secrecy. To pursue closeness with my wife is to risk being known which is to risk being found out. Secrets love to grow in darkness. The light of day exposes them for what they are…weeds. Have you ever seen a home so overgrown with weeds and vines that the structure had become dramatically compromised? There is an abandoned condemned building in Chattanooga near the intersection of Main and Market that had a large tree growing into and out of the brick. No zoning committee would ever approve of that structure being opened for business while still hosting this enormous tree in its infrastructure. The same is true with toxic secrets. They will blow up your life eventually. Ivy growing on red bricks can be very pretty. The reality, though, is that ivy can literally tear down a brick wall given enough time. It weaves its way through the mortar and over time slowly allows the wall to crumble under the sheer weight of itself. Toxic Secrecy shows up in relationships for a number of reasons. Here are four; 1. To guard my own self interest. 2. To protect my self image. 3. To mitigate my deep fear of rejection. 4. To maintain my unhealthy attachment or addiction. As damaging as a secret may be to a relationship, secrecy is only a symptom. It’s actually not the core issue. Exposing the secret will requires more than a singular tearful confession. It is a compound fracture that will involve a skilled and experienced facilitator. It will also require us to lean on the truth of what Chip Dodd describes as the “algorithm for change” which he defines as “willingness + patience + work + time.” When couples come in marriage counseling to confront toxicity in their relationship, lies are exposed and the truth comes out. Old wounds are exposed to oxygen and relationship foundations have the opportunity to be repaired and renovated. Sometimes the truth can shatter whatever foundation remains, like new wine poured into an old wine skin, a marriage may not be able to endure the discovery of toxic secrets. In the recovery community this is called “hitting rock bottom”. Years of witnessing humans recover informs us that this actually can become the birthplace of human change and transformation. To leave toxic things in the ground is to ensure that the drinking water is poisoned. They may be hidden for now but they always leak into the water supply for generations upon generations of poisoning. Scripture calls this generational sin. Conversely, when toxic things are exposed and extracted and given the opportunity to be touched by God’s grace, generations can be blessed by the refreshment of this clean living water. To confront or admit a secret, much less decades of them, is courageous. It demands bravery and a willingness to hold that which I’ve been holding tightly much more loosely. Releasing a toxic secret should not be done recklessly or carelessly. But it must be done with the right infrastructure of support. There is no way to spare hurt but done well, you may be able to spare even more unnecessary injury. Before unleashing a secret you have been hiding, I would recommend a confidential meeting with a professional counselor in your community. How do I protect our marriage from toxic secrecy?
One of the things I enjoy most in the world is writing. It's a space where I am able to sit in quiet and pay some attention to what's going on within me and around me. As an extrovert, writing invites me to do things my head, heart and soul need most in order to recover from being so fragmented and begin to slowly reintegrate.
Writing is a catalyst for restoring my integrity, allowing me to move into these fragmented places and pay attention long enough to bring language around my inner and outer experiences and do some much needed listening. Recent;y I have been scouring opportunities online to do more writing professionally so I've been scouring LinkedIn and a handful of other professional sites designed to connect professionals to writing opportunities. I've never had to do much of this before so it's both captivating and overwhelming to read though hundreds of job descriptions.. A couple options caught my eye, so I sent my resume and curriculum vitae off to a couple of the companies and foundations looking for staff writers. One foundation has brought me on as one of a handful of staff writers tasked with curating meaningful content to serve mental health needs of psychologically wounded veterans. I sent my first piece off today for their review. As I've hunted through the online haystack looking for writing opportunities, I also stumbled across a website that caught my attention. The hook read, "Do you want to make $6000-7000 per month and eventually per day out of the convenience of your own home?" Moments later I was on the phone listening to this brash vague circular pitch with everything in me screaming, "run away!" Without getting into the particulars, I found myself on this phone conversation with a rather aggressive and manipulative salesman. Right away a number of large red flags went up and I started making my exit plan. I shared my resistance with this salesman to do any business with complete strangers. Historically I have helped grow a business or a non-profit from a posture of well established relationship and trust. Then the salesman made a comment that pinched a nerve. In a condescending tone he said, "Oh, I know your type. You are the kind of guy who wants something for nothing." The next words that came out of my mouth were, "You don't even know me. You don't know my story, which is precisely why I have no interest in continuing this conversation, which is your loss. Good night." This smarmy stranger of a salesman thought his clever well time shaming comments would pierce my armor and sink a hook to reel me in for the big sale. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Since that phone call, it has been a very helpful exercise to spend some time reflecting on the friendships where I am deeply known. I could help but think of Ruth Ann, Heath, Brittany, Luke, Ray, Tony, Greg, Russell, Keith, David, Justin, and Chris...men and women who have known me over decades. A few minutes after I hung up the phone from that call and one of my most trusted friends. (who had no way of knowing what had just transpired over the phone) sent me a personal and professional endorsement for me to post on my counseling websites. Through tears I read, "We all want real conversations with people, like the ones you have where you're not editing what you say. Hayne Steen provides this type of conversation, and my life is more full and alive because of it. So if you are a person searching, questioning, struggling, and wandering please know your heart will be met with a radical hospitality if you are fortunate enough to be a recipient of Hayne’s care." Then I made a list if those courageous people who have trusted me deeply, allowing me to really know them as a friend, counselor or spiritual companion. As I capture the names of these dear people, it hits me. I am a known man. Despite the lies and manipulation schemes of a world full of fork tongued salesman, I am known. Fully. There is no more satisfying way to live than to be known. So you made your first counseling appointment. First, let me congratulate you on overcoming all the internal (and maybe even external) resistance that could have stood in your way. You've taken a brave and necessary step.
As a client, it is very common and normal for you to leave your first session or two wondering, "so, what's next?" The first few counseling sessions really allow you and your therapist to develop a sense of trust and rapport together. Don't get me wrong. Lots of very powerful and helpful progress can begin to occur in that first session. At the same time though, don't underestimate the power of change that is happening at a pace much slower than our micro-waved society would prefer. The algorithm for change (according to my friend Chip Dodd) is "willingness + patience + work + time." The more of these assets we possess, the more change we can anticipate experiencing. As another friend likes to say, "It takes a whole lot of slow to grow." So, back to the end of your first session You've just wrapped up an hour with someone you sense could be of some good help to you. And you are walking to your car wondering, "now what?" I'd like to recommend (not prescribe) a one very practical thing that will help your therapeutic process. Keep a journal and carry it with you. In moments when you find a few moments alone, take it out and spend some time reflecting. Maybe take an inventory of the "state of your heart." Maybe take 10 minutes to reflect on what still lingers from your first counseling session that you'd like to revisit with your therapist. A journal can be a helpful place to bring up to the surface what's been lurking below. Maybe reflect on something that resisted in you in that first session. Take this with to your next counseling session. If it makes sense, share it with your therapist. What is happening in your life in real time is as important as what happened way, way back. It all belongs. Then, make your second appointment. Rinse, lather, repeat until you feel like you've moved through what needs to be moved through. Don't hesitate to process the "what's next" question with your therapist, either. Any therapist worth their salt won't feel intimidated by your question. They will sense your hunger for change and can meet you in that desire with even greater awareness. If you have any questions or thoughts you'd love to share, feel free to leave those below or email Hayne Steen at hayne@elbowtree.com. In just a few hours, our new steel sign will be installed out in front of our counseling offices here in Saint Augustine. I imagine just our name alone will cue up a number of questions.
In Chattanooga, "Elbow Tree Christian Counseling" (or simply Elbow Tree) has become a household brand. Over the last 11 years, our rag tag team of therapists have been serving hundreds of families locally as well as leaders and families all over the planet through a handful of global initiatives we are engaged with. One of the questions new clients will ask is, "What is an elbow tree?" For the purpose of this blog today, I'll simply send you to this page of our website. It will give you a little background on who we are. Another great question folks have asked is, "Are you a real counselor?" To answer this question well, I think it's worth listening for the question inside the question. When it gets down to brass tacks, people tend to wonder most about the "Christian Counseling" dimension of our name. In this blog, I am going to take a couple minutes to pose a couple of the implied questions I can appreciate folks might really be asking. 1. Is "Christian Counseling" different than "normal counseling?" Our team is made up of licensed and pre-licensed counselors. Every licensed and pre-licensed mental health counselor in the state of Florida is governed by the same ethical code of conduct and held to an extremely high standard of care. If a counselor identities themselves as a Christian Counselor, it often is simply a way of helping clients find therapists trained to help integrate faith into the therapeutic process. At Elbow Tree, we are each deeply committed to the highest level of care. That is why we are each always pushing the envelope getting trained in a wide range research based therapeutic modalities that you will find in any non-Christian Counseling setting. Some of us are involved in disaster response work. To do so we are continually being trained by the ICISF, who are the gold standard for training first responders all over the world in Critical Incident Stress Management (CISM). Others of us are exploring best practices for being trained as trauma therapists, so we are being trained in modalities like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) and (IFS) Internal Family Systems which are validated interventions for serving clients who present with trauma needs. The list could go on and on as our team in Chattanooga and in Saint Augustine deliver the highest quality of care to the communities we are fortunate to serve. Is Christian Counseling different? No and yes. NO - because we are committed to providing all clients with nothing less than high quality care using treatment interventions informed by a well of evidence based research. YES - because we are creating an intentional space for clients to integrate their Christian faith only if they so desire. We are simply hoping to light a candle in the window for folks looking for something like this in the sea of options being provided. 2. Is Christian Counseling a glorified Bible study or does actual therapy take place? We want to walk with you toward the full and meaningful life you are made for. How we go about shepherding the process is very intentional and deeply therapeutic. We see ourselves more as facilitators of your therapeutic process. Our goal is to get out of the way so you can get into your process, where actual therapy does take place. We do not judge or pressure. Instead we join with you as a curious companion, hoping to demonstrate a holy curiosity, genuine warmth and consistent empathy. Primary goals for therapy are 1) to “reframe” uncomfortable, distressing or perplexing situations into opportunities for healing, growth, change and restoration 2) give some real, practical, doable steps to take and 3) orient people towards a much larger story that is unfolding alongside their own. 3. Can you hold my story confidentially? Sometimes people wonder if Christian Counseling is 100% confidential. Let me tell you that anything you share with a therapist at Elbow Tree will be held in complete confidence. Unless you elect to release information to a pastor, elder, neighbor or family member, everything you share is held in the strictest of confidence. And this is not because we are such nice people. It's the law. Your information is thankfully guarded by HIPAA which holds licensed counselors to a very high standard when it comes to any aspect of your file. The only limitations of confidentiality with regard to harming children, the elderly, or yourself. So, as our new sign goes up today, and cars begin to pass by our new offices, we can imagine and anticipate that some will wonder if we are real therapists. Yes, we are highly trained men and women who are very protective of the therapeutic space as one that must be inhabited by the highest caliber of skilled licensed clinicians. Should you have any additional questions, feel free to email Hayne Steen at hayne@elbowtree.com. Circa 1997, I met up with a friend Keith in Chattanooga to go longboard skateboarding around downtown. At some point we ended up at the highest point of Georgia Avenue pointing our boards downhill. From where we stood it seemed like a slow and easy grade. My buddy had memorized the timing of the stoplights. To any passerby we must have looked absolutely ridiculous wearing those jumpsuits, knee and elbow pads…in my memory, I seem to recall wearing helmets and goggles too. Like two poser wannabe knock off Evil Kaneevals on skateboards. I can remember feeling tentative so I borrowed (or mimicked) some courage of Keith's.
We pushed off and glanced at one another with a grin, hooted at each each other as we picked up a little speed. Keith seemed so calm and free. I remember feeling terrified and tight. Midway downhill he glanced over and noticed that the adventure in my face had transitioned into terror. My feet were beginning to wobble terribly. Keith yelled something at me that I could not hear at first. He yelled it again. “Breathe! Just breathe!” So I did. I somehow had the faculties to trust this high speed wisdom. The momentum was only picking up and my friend's only words to me were to do what comes naturally in every other moment…except when your life is flashing before your eyes. I breathed. I took deep breaths that I had never taken before. Within seconds the calm flowed from my head to my toes, literally. The wobbles went away and soon I was ripping down the remainder of that hill with a newfound calm that I could not access before. Just a few weeks ago, my son and I traveled back to Chattanooga for a wedding that I was officiating. Ironically the groom is nothing short of a pro skater traveling the globe sharing of God’s love through the medium of skateboarding. So, at some point on Friday afternoon just before the rehearsal dinner my son called me. He had been staying with a friend on the mountain and while the were coming home from lunch, his buddy decided to test out his penny board on one of the steepest downhills between our old house and the lunch joint. My son recalls watching his friend take off downhill and witnessing his friend get the speed wobbles. Right at the peak of the wobbles his friend took two steps off the board at full speed. Classic rookie move. At first, Sam recalls, his friend seemed like he was going to be ok but they both underestimated what the cost of momentum would be. His friend hit the pavement face first and thankfully walked away to tell the tale with some of gnarliest road rash you’ve ever seen. I’ve spoken on the topic of toxic momentum many times but I’ve never translated it through the lens of this memory. Speed wobbles are an image that anyone whose traveled way too fast on a skateboard can very quickly identify with. On a retreat several years ago, a friend of mine arrived exhausted from the fray of running a non-profit out in Colorado. Not long after arriving on retreat, one of our facilitators had him on his back in the main meeting space walking him through some exercises in therapeutic breathing. Our facilitator shared with him that he was not actually breathing. She said he was panting. Over the weekend she continued to help him absorb and incorporate therapeutic breathing into his life. Breathing is one of the most basic things we can do to settle down and combat the internal momentum that picks up when we feel threatened. Speed wobbles are the lived out expression of anxiety under pressure combined with momentum. Breathing brings oxygen to our extremities beginning with our brain. Recently a friend described the experience of receiving the news of a friend’s suicide. My friend has, through the years, developed some high level discipline in crisis moments and easily remembers to “battle breathe” when life throws him a curve ball that spikes his hear rate. Breathing is our way back to ourselves. When our breathing pattern picks up momentum, our heart rate increases signaling to our brain and our body that we are actively being threatened. When we perceive a threat we operate from a space that is devoid of calm, compassion, curiosity, creating and connection. Typically we hear an invitation to kill or be killed…to dominate or be dominated…to become godlike. Thankfully, our faith narrative invites us to “be still and know that I am God.” This is an invitation to pause, to take a break, to listen for what’s going on and release ourselves from the tyranny of that momentum and rest in the sovereignty of our benevolent God. That means I can learn to let go. My life started with one breath and will end with a final breath. All of creation was formed by the very breath of God. The Palmist reminds us, "By the word of the LORD the heavens were made, And by the breath of His mouth all their host. (PSALM 33:6). May you, wherever you find yourself getting the speed wobbles, breathe deep the breath of God. May you feel your feet settling underneath you. May God’s spirit fill your lungs and settle your soul. May you find a new pace and rhythm more in tune with the way you were made. You were not made for speed. You were made for relationship and momentum, even in good things, can be a thief to intimacy. As we breathe we reclaim and restore that which has been lost. We slow down and practice the sovereignty of God, releasing our need to be needed and having to be so busy. If we refuse then we starve our brains and bodies of the recourse it needs to stay vital and refreshed. Just. Breathe. It's wedding season. This translates into a significant increase in the number of couples seeking pre-marriage counseling. One of my goals is to help couples recognize the need for marriage counseling in every season of their relationship.
For couples seeking marriage therapy, it can be overwhelming to know who to choose from. A healthy google search can produce counseling options of every flavor. A counselor's bio or credentials, while important for establishing professional credibility, are not always enough to satisfy our need for some additional assurance. One third of the change you desire will occur because you just show up to therapy. Another third of the change will rest on your trust in the therapist's ability to guide and help you accomplish the change or outcome you desire. The last third rests on the arduous work you will do in and away from therapy. Did you catch that? A significant amount of the change in your situation rests on your confidence and trust in the therapist ability to facilitate the process. That's so huge! So I am writing this guide to help you to to navigate your way into a counseling setting that best matches your specific needs and desires. 1. Dig your well before you are thirsty. The best time to look for a therapist is when you don't need one. Getting established with a therapist you trust in non-critical moments will set the stage for feeling much more grounded in critical moments. It can also help to mitigate a crisis before one even occurs. Many of the staging grounds for a crisis come from some area of neglect in a marriage. By sitting down in those non-critical moments with a marriage therapist, you may actually be able to have those difficult conversations before they become toxic. 2. Ask around. Google is a powerful search engine but nothing is more powerful than the referral of a trusted friend. I'd begin by asking other couples or a local pastor who they trust to work with couples. Pastors typically triage couples in crisis and wisely refer them to a trusted local marriage therapist. Unless a marriage therapist is new to town, the good ones will have a reputation that precedes them. Here are some things trusted referral sources have had to say about partnering with me... 3. One size does not fit all. Different kinds of couples have different kinds of needs. Listening to one another's preferences prior to making an appointment will help narrow down your field of options. The wife may prefer to meet with a woman, while the husband may prefer to meet with a man. One couple may need to do some targeted work around communication while another couple may be negotiating a complex trauma or some level of marital infidelity. 4. You don't have to hit bullseye on the first throw. When you are looking for a marriage therapist there can be a lot of unnecessary pressure to choose the right one on the first visit. We would not walk onto a car lot and buy the first car we see. Why would we trust our most vital earthly relationship with the first visit? Don't get me wrong, many people do actually find a good therapist on their first visit (after google searching, asking around, discussing therapy needs and goals with their spouse, scheduling an appointment and making the journey across town to their first appointment). It can be done but that is not necessarily the goal. Sometimes meeting with the "wrong therapist" can set you up to clarify what you really are looking for and needing. Sometimes you know right away if it is a good fit. Other times it may take a couple sessions. Don't be discouraged if you go to three sessions and discern its not the best fit. This is all part of the process of your growth. Meeting with the "wrong therapist" can help you become even more clear about you need. That is growth! 5. Good chemistry matters. You read earlier that nearly one third of the change you are seeking leans heavily on your trust in the therapist's ability to facilitate your process. This trust includes good chemistry between the two of you. Like any relationship, there will need to be a runway of time together for trust to form and rapport to develop. For some, that first one hour appointment will be enough. For others it may take a little more time. Three attributes that make all the difference in helping cultivate the rapport that is needed will be the warmth, curiosity and empathy demonstrated by your therapist toward you. While therapy is not designed to always make you feel better, you should experience a growing sense of safety and rapport with your therapist as you begin facing aspects of ourselves that stir up fear, shame, regret, grief, hurt, loneliness and sadness. What has been helpful for you? Meet my 7th grade art teacher, Mr. (Ed) Obermeyer. For fun away from the classroom, he shaped and air brushed surfboards for WRV (Wave Riding Vehicles). He drove a sweet dark gray Toyota pickup truck with surf racks with his board/s on top and wetsuits locked up in the bed of the truck that had a shell on it. Half-way through the school year he gave me a huge stash of his old Surfer Magazines to keep. Who knows how many times I poured through those magazines. Mr. O loved teaching art. And he was good at it! I'm pretty convinced that almost everything I learned about building a brand I learned in that middle school art class. One of my favorite art projects was to design our own brand of cereal. That required peeling apart an old cereal box and studying everything about the box, the coloration, the logo and the hook trying to reel you in as a consumer. My enthusiasm for this particular project left me shuddering with excitement. Just by peeling back the glued down tabs of a cereal box, Mr. O ushered me into a world that I did not even know existed. It was like being invited into Narnia through the wardrobe. A few years later, in college, I woke up again to the idea that I could be more creative with the manner in which I approached life beyond college. So many dimensions of my volunteer work with Young Life engaged so many dimensions of who I am and how I am made. One of my favorite roles on our team apart from actually hanging out with high school folks, was making the Club flyer. Club was a gathering of high school folks that mirrored the set of Saturday Night Live. Every week was a different theme so every week I made a different flyer. Growing up I drew all kinds of cartoons and so I incorporated cartoons into every flyer...for the next decade. Along the way, I learned to peel back the box tabs of my life, to imagine what images would capture the fleeting attention of my high school friends and allow them to feel absolutely wanted and welcome to come to Club every week. Thankfully Young Life is not a program driven organization, it's relationally driven. So, that much more care went into crafting this half sheet of paper than probably was ever necessary. In many ways, it's like the PB&J that my mom used to make for me. The actual sandwich was not much different than the next PB&J...except for the little slice of love that my mom included. My hope has always been to evoke that same kind of personal touch in my work whether as a Lifeguard, Young Life leader, teaching swim lessons, serving as a Youth Pastor, or most recently as a licensed counselor. The last six years have been marked by my work with Elbow Tree in Chattanooga, TN. So much of our brand is personal touch. From the time a potential client interacts with Elbow Tree, they are interacting with the actual therapist, not a front office. That personal touch, or little slice of love, is what we want folks to experience from the moment they reach out to take such a brave step to get the help they are looking for. So, not only do we glad assume the role of Counselor but we each embrace the many roles we play as entrepreneur, community builder, brand strategist, marketing team, accounting department, janitorial service, landscaper, interior designer, barista...did I mention counselor? It's not a burden to wear so many hats. In fact, it is what keeps things fresh and in touch with what it going on. This blog wrote itself while I was sitting in the car line waiting on my daughter on her first day of school. In this season of conceptualizing a new business, I am learning so much about the world of small business. For the last six years I built a solid counseling practice under the umbrella of an existing practice designed that my friend built before my very eyes. To weave into that mix was relatively seamless. It was predictably stressful to cultivate a new client base but it was thrilling to have the freedom to focus on the client development without having to build a practice from the ground up. It was riddled with risk but my friend carried the lions share of burden for the day to day liability of that practice. This summer I have loved getting my hands dirty with creating the infrastructures for what will hopefully become a flourishing counseling practice. Already I've been contacted by a number of interested professionals curious about how to become more formally involved with Elbow Tree here in a Saint Augustine. That is really exciting. A few minutes ago I stopped by my new office that is being renovated near downtown and I picked up some mail that had come in. It blows my mind that mail, addressed to Elbow Tree, is arriving in Florida. In today's mail was the code for officially verifying my business with Google so my business is discoverable. Again, it just blows my mind. So as this new venture prepares to launch soon I will continue to write about the adventure of business ownership as it collides with matters of the inner life. What does business ownership or entrepreneurship have to do with the inner life? Everything. There are all sorts of interior feelings and experiences to make sense of and listen to. Not to mention the anxiety of others who Ar for my flourishing and equally as afraid it will fail. As I look up from writing this blog (mostly on my phone in the notes), I see my daughter coming over to get in the car after her first day as a student in the middle school Arts Academy at her new school here in Saint Augustine. It's wonderful to be able to sit with my daughter in this moment and celebrate how she is being formed and imagine how the pain and awkwardness of today is preparing her for leading a brand of her own someday. I can't wait to hear about her art teacher, and all the many cereal boxes she too will get to peel back and explore this year. What a thrill for her to be invited into a whole new world of discovery as she even articulated in the car to me yesterday...on her own..."Dad, I'm pretty sure that between my art class and my digital design class, that I will be able to launch my own business someday." She sees it...and this only confirms again...everything I learned about building a new brand, I leaned in middle school and Young Life. One of the many beautiful waves by my 7th grade art teacher, Mr. Ed Obermeyer.
On the morning of July 15th, I received a call that my young friend, Harrison Stokes Smith, had been tragically killed in a Sea Doo accident in Texas. This is a 22 year old young man who I've known for over 11 years as his small group leader. He was one of 25-30 young men who I walked with closely for seven straight years with no finish line in sight. Harrison had just recently graduated from Texas Christian University. So, I let it hit me. For a solid hour, emotional gail force winds pounded on the frame of my heart. And I wept. That's what you do when life meets you on life's terms. On the losing end, we grieve. To not grieve is to deny the way I am made. Then, when the shock subsided some, I started reaching out one by one to the other 25-30 young men in our group. One at a time, we called them and tenderly asked if they had heard the news about our friend Harry. Most had heard. Some had not. It did not matter. Shock seemed to be the shared experience regardless. The remainder of that week was dedicated to closing the loop on making sure everyone in our group had heard the news. When we had a game plan in place, we invited everyone to a D-group dinner on Friday night, just to be together, to remember our dear friend, to cry and laugh, to drink a cold beer or two in his honor, and to simply sit with one another in the awkward but honest reality that Harrison would have loved being there in our midst. It was a sweet night celebrating our dear friend. Just a couple hours prior to the get together on Friday, I felt the strong nudge to write Harrison a letter. So that's what I did. It was a gift to be able to organize some words that could help to integrate my head and heart. Words poured onto the page. So did my tears. Later that night, 20 guys from our D-Group showed up with a little bit of beer and whole bunch of stories. We ate huge steaks cooked to perfection. It was a tender time as we circled up like we had done for seven years together. It's funny. Circles have a way of opening doors for intimacy in ways that sitting in rows could never accomplish. This particular circle represents our shared story...one that had accumulated some relational distance over the four years that guys had headed off to schools all over the country. So, we showed up and we ate. We laughed. We cried. And we cried some more. That's what you do when you lose a friend like Harry. And then, I read the guys my letter to Harrison. It was so good to have those thoughts right there on paper to guide our hearts into a place of particular sensitivity. We prayed together for a while and we honored our tears with more honesty. Then we met up with a few more of Harrison's friends, some who are local and some who are from Texas. It was holy ground. As one of Harrison's Discipleship Group leaders, I was asked to say a few words at his Celebration of Life service on behalf of our group. It occurred to me that maybe I should just read my letter. So I did. Before the service, guys from our group rolled in. 25 of them ended up being able to join us while others expressed they would be joining us in spirit from wherever they were on the planet. I gathered some thoughts in a journal to help shine some light on the legacy of Discipleship Groups at Signal Mountain Presbyterian. So, I created a runway for the letter and then I read it. Slowly. Deliberately. Tearfully. I recall feeling so relaxed and so clear. I was grateful for my notes but the words flowed almost effortlessly. Maybe thats what happens when you really own them for yourself. That happens to me sometimes. After I've meditated on an idea, I find that I can leave my notes (not abandon them) and be so distinctly present. It's as if my head and heart find agreement and my words become an intersection as well as evidence of their connection. I also remember being grateful for John Wilson's hand on my shoulder as his gentle affirmation. That's just like John though. He's there. And so I read...and I read... Dear Harrison, In a little over an hour, a group of your friends will be gathering...again. Most of these guys have not been gathered like this with one another in over four years. Get this, we are meeting for an expensive steak dinner at Griffin Moon’s house tonight. No, not his parent’s house. You read that right...Griff’s house. The house where he will bring his soon-to-be wife home where they will begin to build a family. Just crafting those words reminds my head and heart again of the stabbing pain of your absence among us right now and in the days ahead. There are 24 steaks marinating that J-Dub (John Wilson) will be working his grill master magic on...and this time, our D-group does not have to show up to some random semi-disguised “Man Day” at my house to help me rake old wet leaves or mulch my never ending flower beds, in order to get one delicious steak. Oh, and this time we are also drinking cold beer. Eleven years ago, who could have imagined such a gathering as this? My heart could not have stood to know this kind of pain. It can’t stand it now. And now, here we are. Grown. Grieving. Gathered without the man we’ve come to know and love as our beloved brother, “Harry.” As adults, we leave home for new adventures which means we leave friends. We leave our families. As we enter into these new spaces and places, we find room there for brand new friendships. We take the risk of being known. For many of us, it can feel like a fresh start. For others, it is agonizing. Eventually we do find a home in many of these new faces and places. And they find a home in us. Just like you did when you moved here to us on Signal Mountain from Texas when you were 11. That was half your life ago. Do you want to feel old, Harry? My daughter was only a newborn then. She’s a 12 year old 7th grader now. About your age when we met you. To most of us, it was as if you had always been here with us among. You fit in without such ease. But for you, your arrival was probably a lonely time that was soon met with a great big invitation into some very special friendships that have endured. Good grief Harry, 25 or more of us have traveled across the country this weekend and back to the mountain to be with you again...to be together again....because we love you. Because you lived as a man who is deeply loved by God. And you treated everyone as though they were deeply loved. And because we have been those lucky enough to have been loved BY you. So, tonight we’ll remember through our tears and laughter how you showed us Jesus - so naturally, so fiercely and so authentically. We’ll be silent for a moment to listen, for God’s voice reminding us that though we we are still here and you are now closer to Jesus than we could ever dream or imagine, we will confess our grief as honestly as we are able. And we will confess our hope as vulnerably as we are able. And we will confess our envy...yes our envy...that you are with the One whose heart you imaged to us...over and over and over again. May we each know for ourselves the passage of scripture your life so richly demonstrated... “My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.” (Eph. 3:14-19 MSG). After Jesus died, he rallied the disciples back together for one final meal with them. He cooked it over a fire and he reminded them of how deeply loved they are. May we be reminded again by Jesus, at your invitation, to hear Jesus asking us...”Do you love me?” Which we know is just one of those special ways that Jesus is also reminding us that we too are dearly loved men. We love you Harrison Stokes Smith! We’ve treasured the time. Signal Mountain Presbyterian Church Disciple Group Class of 2013 John Wilson has been a D-group leader longer than anyone at our church. He's rounding 27 or 28 years. No matter what, he shows up.. Every single week. I've not met a more loyal man when it comes to caring for young men so selflessly. To have a John Wilson in your life is most certainly to to be rich in friendship. After I read the letter, John candidly captured many of the snapshots of our friend Harry. Our D-group spoke of his humor, his intelligence, creativity, courage, loyalty and conviction. Guys pointed at the sturdiness of his character. What an honor to stand before so many who love Harrison and his family, to be a mouthpiece for those who have known and loved him the most. May we be marked by your legacy, Harrison. Father & Son trip to Pioneer Plunge Harrison is pictured left center with a walking stick with an arm around his dad, Stokes Smith, in the yellow shirt. Audio and Video: Celebration of Life service for Harrison Stokes Smith To hear this letter read by Hayne Steen followed by some thoughts from John Wilson, scroll to the 30:50 mark in the audio recording provided above..
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