The Gift of Ted Lasso and a Dear Friend

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by Hayne Steen, LMHC

Ted Lasso is a heartwarming, feel-good comedy-drama series centered around an optimistic American football coach, Ted Lasso, who is hired to coach an English soccer team despite having no experience with the sport. Played by Jason Sudeikis, Ted’s unwavering positivity, kindness, and belief in the power of teamwork and human connection stand in stark contrast to the cynicism and competitiveness of the world around him. Throughout the series, Ted faces personal challenges, but his empathy and emotional intelligence bring out the best in those around him, creating a story that blends humor, sports, and deeper reflections on vulnerability, leadership, and mental health. 

This bar scene is my favorite...I bet it will stir something in you too! I have probably referenced this specific scene with over a hundred clients, both individuals and couples. 

Watch this scene and continue reading on below...

​When the Apple television series, Ted Lasso, dropped in 2020, I truthfully could not get enough of this brilliant new show. To say I was obsessed would be an understatement. I watched the first two seasons at least four times. As you may recall. we were all home in 2020 due to COVID and the world truly needed show like this one. 

To be honest, I STILL need a show like this one! Little did I know how much in common I would soon have with the show's main character, Ted. 

Ted Lasso's divorce is a poignant and emotional subplot in the series, highlighting his vulnerability beneath his usual optimism and humor. As his marriage deteriorates, Ted struggles to reconcile his desire to keep his family together with the reality that his wife is no longer happy. Despite his deep love for her and their son, Ted ultimately agrees to the divorce, prioritizing his wife's emotional well-being over his own wishes. This decision leaves him grappling with feelings of loss, loneliness, and self-doubt, yet he continues to display remarkable resilience and grace, using his personal pain as a way to empathize more deeply with others. The divorce reveals Ted’s complexity, making him more relatable as he faces heartache while maintaining his trademark kindness and positivity.

In Ted Lasso, the sports psychologist, Dr. Sharon Fieldstone, is introduced as a composed, insightful, and highly professional figure who initially contrasts Ted’s bubbly, open-hearted personality. Played by Sarah Niles, Dr. Sharon is brought in to help the AFC Richmond players with their mental health and performance issues. She quickly gains the players' trust with her direct, empathetic approach, helping them address personal challenges and emotional barriers that impact their game.

At first, Ted is skeptical and even resistant to her methods, feeling threatened by her ability to connect with his team in ways he hasn’t. However, over time, Dr. Sharon helps Ted confront his own deeper emotional struggles, including his anxiety and unresolved issues from his divorce. Her presence and work with Ted highlight the importance of mental health and self-awareness, providing a more nuanced view of emotional support that balances Ted’s positivity with introspection and healing.

In the early part of 2023, as I was navigating the reality of my own divorce, two friends who had each experienced the pain of divorce, pointed me to two books. The first book was When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd. I read that book every day in the first few weeks of my new journey. 

The first book, When the Heart Waits, by Sue Monk Kidd is a reflective and deeply spiritual book about navigating times of uncertainty, loss, and personal transformation. For a man going through a divorce, this book offered profound insights into the pain of waiting during periods of transition. Kidd draws parallels between life’s difficulties and the natural process of spiritual growth, likening it to the transformation of a cocoon into a butterfly. She emphasizes that in times of heartache, such as a divorce, it is essential to embrace the waiting period, allowing space for deep reflection and healing rather than rushing to fill the void. Kidd encourages patience and faith, suggesting that the struggles of life are opportunities for personal growth, and ultimately, transformation. For a man facing the end of his marriage, the book served as a gentle guide for rediscovering himself and finding hope amid uncertainty

The second book recommended was The Middle Passage - From Misery to Meaning in Midlife by James Hollis. My friend also shared that this book had made a debut on the show Ted Lasso. It was shown on the desk of aforementioned, Dr. Sharon Fieldstone.

​Ted took time to read The Middle Passage...so did I.  

Fear of our own depths is the enemy. –James Hollis
Author of The Middle Passage - From Misery to Meaning in Midlife

The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife by James Hollis is a psychological exploration of the transition many people experience in midlife. For someone who has recently divorced, this book offers profound insights into the personal transformation that often accompanies life’s major upheavals, like the end of a marriage.
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Hollis describes the "middle passage" as a period of deep soul-searching that often arises when the structures of one's life—career, relationships, identity—begin to break down. Divorce, in this context, can be a catalyst for confronting long-buried aspects of the self and uncovering new meaning in life.

Key insights from The Middle Passage for someone who has recently divorced include:

• Confronting the False Self: Many people enter marriage carrying unconscious expectations or trying to fulfill roles that aren’t true to their authentic self. Divorce can force a person to confront these false identities, and while painful, this confrontation can lead to greater self-awareness.
  
  
• The Call to Individuation: Hollis draws heavily on Carl Jung’s concept of individuation, which is the process of becoming one’s true self. After divorce, a person may feel lost or unsure of who they are outside of the marriage. This book encourages using this time as an opportunity to discover deeper, more meaningful aspects of oneself.
  
  
• Facing Unfinished Business: Divorce often brings to the surface unresolved emotional issues or patterns from earlier in life. The Middle Passage helps readers understand how these unresolved issues may have influenced their relationship and how they can address them moving forward.
  
  
• Transforming Suffering into Meaning: Hollis suggests that the pain of midlife transitions, including divorce, can lead to a more conscious and fulfilling life. Instead of avoiding pain, he encourages embracing it as part of the growth process, finding meaning in the suffering to foster personal transformation.
  
  
• Freedom and Responsibility: With the end of a marriage comes both the freedom to redefine one’s life and the responsibility to face the consequences of past choices. The book emphasizes that the future, though uncertain, holds the potential for new purpose and personal growth if one is willing to engage with the discomfort of change.
  
  

In essence, The Middle Passage offers a roadmap for navigating the emotional and psychological challenges of midlife transitions like divorce. It encourages readers to confront their inner selves, let go of outdated patterns, and embrace the journey toward a more authentic and meaningful life.

If Ted Lasso were to interact with The Middle Passage by James Hollis, it would likely be a profound and transformative experience for him. Ted, known for his unrelenting optimism, would find in Hollis’s exploration of midlife crises and personal growth a mirror to his own journey through divorce and emotional turmoil. Hollis’s emphasis on confronting the "false self" and embracing individuation would resonate with Ted, who often uses humor and positivity as a defense mechanism.

As Ted delves into the book, he might reflect on how his persona as a "relentlessly positive coach" has, at times, masked his deeper feelings of inadequacy and unresolved pain. The Middle Passage could help him recognize the importance of facing his own vulnerability rather than simply being the emotional anchor for others. This new understanding would encourage Ted to balance his outward kindness with an inward journey of self-discovery, allowing him to transform his suffering into meaningful personal growth—much like Hollis advocates for those navigating life’s difficult transitions. 

We all need helpful resources when we are going through an experience as devastating and disorienting as a divorce. Even more than a good book, we need good friends who are willing to enter into the mess with us and listen. 

Even more, we all need soulful relationships with people who are curious, not judgmental. May you find this to be true for you too!

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