 Photo by John Middelkoop Have you been as glued to post Hurricane Helene news like I have as pictures and videos surface from areas impacted in the big bend in Florida and western North Carolina?
My parents live on an old family farm in Shady Grove, Florida in Taylor County where three major hurricanes have come ashore in less than thirteen months. To understand the enormity of this is to also know a hurricane has not come directly ashore in Taylor County since 1935. This recent quiver of storms have left communities around them (and their own) devastated. Rest assured, this is no temporary power outage. Hurricane Helene buried and obliterated entire coastal communities. Further north in western North Carolina, we are witnessing real time damage due to flooding with landslides on a level that we've not witnessed in my lifetime. Roads, bridges, houses, cars, 18-wheelers are all being washed away as the river banks overflow into downtown areas of those beloved and quaint mountain towns we all love. Black bears are hiding up high in the tree line and horses are swimming for their very lives. Photos and videos from that region are limited due to a total lack of cell or internet service. Entire communities are being displaced and devastated. Thriving businesses are being ruined. Homes and family heirlooms have been lost for good. Overnight, our favorite North Carolina mountain refuges have been filled with displaced muddy mountain refugees. This is no nightmare that can be cured by simply opening our eyes. Our neighbors to the west and north are living a nightmare with their eyes wide open and they need help digging out from the mud and splinters of former structures that now litter their rivers and streams. There is no easy way out of this mess. When we are faced with a storm that feels like it will erode the coast lines or river banks of our lives, it is normal and natural to want an easier and less painful way. If you find yourself in this latest storm or one that is threatening the status quo in your world, take heart. There may not be a shortcut to abbreviate or avoid the pain but you are not alone. A rabbi on social media reminded me this morning, "The only way out is through." A friend of mine, Keith Case has been preaching his way through Exodus and I've been tracking along. Big takeaway? There is no bypassing pain. I sent Keith this message earlier today; "I was thinking about Moses...he didn't go around that Red Sea. He had to go through it. I was thinking about Jesus...he didn't go around Samaria. He went right through it. I was thinking about me. I did not go around that hard thing last year. I went right through. Shadrach, Meshach and Abendigo. Same thing!" Keith's response was as I'd expect; "The journey is from the darkness of slavery to life in the desert where our coping mechanisms get exposed. If you want to get close to your kids (or people in general) you have to learn to get close to your pain. How do we know this to be a reality? We see it modeled in the life of Jesus. He gets close to ours and invites us to get close to his." Jesus names his resistance to the hard path of the cross (Matt. 26). "Going a little ahead, Jesus fell on his face, praying, “My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do YOU want?” A little while later Jesus declares, "Father, if there is no other way than this, drinking this cup to the dregs, I’m ready. Do it your way.” Jesus reveals the seductive nature of bypassing pain. And since we all know the rest of his story, we can find even greater solidarity in our temptation to take the beltway around our pain. Jesus invites us to take the hard path. Through. Not around. Jesus does us a solid and he shoots us super straight. "In this world there will be trouble." How can we enter into our own pain and into the pain of others?
What will it look like for you to roll up your sleeves and risk getting some of the pain of that western North Carolina mud on you? Take courage. Be brave. You are not alone. ACTION & PRAYERS: Elbow Tree is preparing to send a small advanced team to storm impacted areas with an expressed intent to offer care to first responders and caregivers in the surrounding communities. Stay tuned!
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 Do you ever sink "down inside yourself?" Boy, I sure do. All kinds of experiences, hard and wonderful, can trigger heavy feelings of sadness, grief and loss. We most often associate painful experiences as a trigger for our sorrows. However, having a positive experience of deep connection with a friend or loved one triggers elation while you are together and can also serve to intensify our sadness on the tail end when a special time together comes to a temporary or permanent conclusion. Singer and songwriter, David Wilcox, first coined this phrase for me. This describes very well what it can feel like for us when these feelings are deeply affecting us. To be down inside yourself can mean that you are devoting some much needed and overdue attention to your inner life. It can also mean that big unexpected feelings have surfaced and you are feeling pulled under by the weight of them. David Wilcox has a talent for skillfully articulating deeper rhythms and experiences of the inner life. He would readily share that his guitar has been a tool for him to explore and excavate the inner rumblings of his own heart and soul. We need tools, like a guitar, to help us attend to our inner life. As my friend Alex shares often, "we need to feel felt." These lines in "Down Inside Yourself" resonate with me and I am able to connect with them...and I begin to feel felt. "Help me shake this nightmare The funk has found my heart I need to move my spirit But I don't know where to start I need to fill this empty But I can't find the missing part I'm just down inside myself" Music and Art can be such helpful tools for helping us access our hearts and to illuminate our own experience. The artist brings their inner experience to the surface and gives us the opportunity to find solidarity with what is an innately human experience. At our core, though, we desperately need others, and sometimes very specific others, who can listen and be curious with us. To share about being "down inside myself" is awfully risky because we step out into vulnerability and invite another person to see and hear us. Shame, at least the toxic brand, tells us to remain in secrecy, silence and maybe even judgement. Let's resist the temptation to isolate by leaning into vulnerability which inevitably can lead to connection. Maybe we need to connect more intentionally with our partner or spouse, or reach out to a trusted friend. In many cases, it might be helpful to sit with a trained professional who can offer us non-anxious space to explore our inner life while offering us their curious, warm and empathic attention. Let's listen to David's song below and continue reading on... Here are some common obstacles people face when scheduling their first counseling appointment to attend to their inner lives.
These factors can combine to make the first step of scheduling a therapy appointment feel like a significant hurdle for many. May you take notice of when you are "down inside yourself" and offer yourself the gift of feeling felt. Reach out and connect to someone. If we can help you get connected to a counselor at Elbow Tree who will offer you this kind of helpful space, don't hesitate to reach out. Turn here. You are worth it! The best email to use when attempting to schedule with an Elbow Tree counselor is [email protected].  by Hayne Steen, LMHC Ted Lasso is a heartwarming, feel-good comedy-drama series centered around an optimistic American football coach, Ted Lasso, who is hired to coach an English soccer team despite having no experience with the sport. Played by Jason Sudeikis, Ted’s unwavering positivity, kindness, and belief in the power of teamwork and human connection stand in stark contrast to the cynicism and competitiveness of the world around him. Throughout the series, Ted faces personal challenges, but his empathy and emotional intelligence bring out the best in those around him, creating a story that blends humor, sports, and deeper reflections on vulnerability, leadership, and mental health. This bar scene is my favorite...I bet it will stir something in you too! I have probably referenced this specific scene with over a hundred clients, both individuals and couples. Watch this scene and continue reading on below... When the Apple television series, Ted Lasso, dropped in 2020, I truthfully could not get enough of this brilliant new show. To say I was obsessed would be an understatement. I watched the first two seasons at least four times. As you may recall. we were all home in 2020 due to COVID and the world truly needed show like this one. To be honest, I STILL need a show like this one! Little did I know how much in common I would soon have with the show's main character, Ted. Ted Lasso's divorce is a poignant and emotional subplot in the series, highlighting his vulnerability beneath his usual optimism and humor. As his marriage deteriorates, Ted struggles to reconcile his desire to keep his family together with the reality that his wife is no longer happy. Despite his deep love for her and their son, Ted ultimately agrees to the divorce, prioritizing his wife's emotional well-being over his own wishes. This decision leaves him grappling with feelings of loss, loneliness, and self-doubt, yet he continues to display remarkable resilience and grace, using his personal pain as a way to empathize more deeply with others. The divorce reveals Ted’s complexity, making him more relatable as he faces heartache while maintaining his trademark kindness and positivity. In Ted Lasso, the sports psychologist, Dr. Sharon Fieldstone, is introduced as a composed, insightful, and highly professional figure who initially contrasts Ted’s bubbly, open-hearted personality. Played by Sarah Niles, Dr. Sharon is brought in to help the AFC Richmond players with their mental health and performance issues. She quickly gains the players' trust with her direct, empathetic approach, helping them address personal challenges and emotional barriers that impact their game. At first, Ted is skeptical and even resistant to her methods, feeling threatened by her ability to connect with his team in ways he hasn’t. However, over time, Dr. Sharon helps Ted confront his own deeper emotional struggles, including his anxiety and unresolved issues from his divorce. Her presence and work with Ted highlight the importance of mental health and self-awareness, providing a more nuanced view of emotional support that balances Ted’s positivity with introspection and healing. In the early part of 2023, as I was navigating the reality of my own divorce, two friends who had each experienced the pain of divorce, pointed me to two books. The first book was When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd. I read that book every day in the first few weeks of my new journey. The first book, When the Heart Waits, by Sue Monk Kidd is a reflective and deeply spiritual book about navigating times of uncertainty, loss, and personal transformation. For a man going through a divorce, this book offered profound insights into the pain of waiting during periods of transition. Kidd draws parallels between life’s difficulties and the natural process of spiritual growth, likening it to the transformation of a cocoon into a butterfly. She emphasizes that in times of heartache, such as a divorce, it is essential to embrace the waiting period, allowing space for deep reflection and healing rather than rushing to fill the void. Kidd encourages patience and faith, suggesting that the struggles of life are opportunities for personal growth, and ultimately, transformation. For a man facing the end of his marriage, the book served as a gentle guide for rediscovering himself and finding hope amid uncertainty The second book recommended was The Middle Passage - From Misery to Meaning in Midlife by James Hollis. My friend also shared that this book had made a debut on the show Ted Lasso. It was shown on the desk of aforementioned, Dr. Sharon Fieldstone. Ted took time to read The Middle Passage...so did I. Fear of our own depths is the enemy. –James Hollis  The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife by James Hollis is a psychological exploration of the transition many people experience in midlife. For someone who has recently divorced, this book offers profound insights into the personal transformation that often accompanies life’s major upheavals, like the end of a marriage. Hollis describes the "middle passage" as a period of deep soul-searching that often arises when the structures of one's life—career, relationships, identity—begin to break down. Divorce, in this context, can be a catalyst for confronting long-buried aspects of the self and uncovering new meaning in life. Key insights from The Middle Passage for someone who has recently divorced include:
If Ted Lasso were to interact with The Middle Passage by James Hollis, it would likely be a profound and transformative experience for him. Ted, known for his unrelenting optimism, would find in Hollis’s exploration of midlife crises and personal growth a mirror to his own journey through divorce and emotional turmoil. Hollis’s emphasis on confronting the "false self" and embracing individuation would resonate with Ted, who often uses humor and positivity as a defense mechanism. As Ted delves into the book, he might reflect on how his persona as a "relentlessly positive coach" has, at times, masked his deeper feelings of inadequacy and unresolved pain. The Middle Passage could help him recognize the importance of facing his own vulnerability rather than simply being the emotional anchor for others. This new understanding would encourage Ted to balance his outward kindness with an inward journey of self-discovery, allowing him to transform his suffering into meaningful personal growth—much like Hollis advocates for those navigating life’s difficult transitions. We all need helpful resources when we are going through an experience as devastating and disorienting as a divorce. Even more than a good book, we need good friends who are willing to enter into the mess with us and listen. Even more, we all need soulful relationships with people who are curious, not judgmental. May you find this to be true for you too!
 In the realm of relationship books, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson stands out as a beacon of hope and understanding for married couples. Drawing from decades of research and clinical practice, Dr. Johnson offers a groundbreaking approach to fostering deep, secure, and lasting bonds in romantic relationships. But what makes this book so significant, and how can it truly help married couples?
The Science Behind Love and AttachmentAt the core of Hold Me Tight is Dr. Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a method grounded in the science of attachment theory. EFT posits that human beings are wired for connection, and the quality of our relationships significantly impacts our emotional and psychological well-being. For married couples, this connection is paramount. When bonds are strong and secure, couples thrive; when they’re weak or frayed, the relationship suffers. Dr. Johnson emphasizes that many relationship issues stem not from surface-level conflicts but from deeper, unmet emotional needs. Couples often get caught in negative patterns of interaction, known as "demon dialogues," that leave both partners feeling isolated, misunderstood, or unloved. Hold Me Tight aims to break these cycles by helping couples recognize and address these underlying emotional needs. The Power of Seven Conversations The book is structured around seven transformative conversations that Dr. Johnson believes are essential for building and maintaining a strong, loving relationship:
Practical and Accessible Guidance One of the reasons Hold Me Tight is so impactful is its accessibility. Dr. Johnson presents complex psychological concepts in a way that is easy to understand and apply in everyday life. The book is filled with real-life examples, practical exercises, and clear, step-by-step instructions that couples can follow together. For many, the exercises in Hold Me Tight provide a safe and structured way to explore difficult emotions and experiences. The book encourages couples to slow down, listen to each other, and connect on a deeper level. This process can be both healing and empowering, as it enables partners to see each other not as adversaries but as allies in the pursuit of a loving, secure relationship. Transforming Relationships The significance of Hold Me Tight lies in its ability to transform relationships. Couples who have struggled with chronic conflict, emotional distance, or a lack of intimacy often find new hope and direction through Dr. Johnson's approach. By fostering a deeper understanding of each other’s emotional needs and learning to respond with empathy and compassion, couples can create a bond that is not only resilient but also deeply fulfilling. A Lifelong Resource While Hold Me Tight is often used by couples in therapy, it is equally valuable as a self-help resource for any couple looking to improve their relationship. The skills and insights gained from the book can be revisited and reinforced over time, making it a lifelong resource for maintaining a strong and loving marriage. In conclusion, Hold Me Tight is a vital tool for any married couple seeking to deepen their connection and build a more secure, loving relationship. With its evidence-based approach and practical guidance, Dr. Sue Johnson’s book has the power to heal, strengthen, and transform relationships, making it an essential read for couples at any stage of their journey together. What are some "fair fight rules" couples can use to cultivate healthy conflict resolution?7/16/2023 "Fair fight rules" are guidelines that couples can adopt to promote healthy and constructive conflict resolution. These rules create a framework for communication that encourages mutual respect, active listening, and a focus on finding resolutions rather than escalating conflicts. Here are some "fair fight rules" couples can incorporate:
 When feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, practicing mindfulness can be a helpful tool for grounding yourself in the present moment and managing distress. Here are some specific mindfulness skills you can utilize:
 Christian integration in mental health counseling refers to the incorporation of Christian principles, values, and beliefs into the therapeutic process. It recognizes the importance of spirituality and faith as integral aspects of an individual's well-being. Here are some potential benefits of Christian integration in mental health counseling:
Ultimately, Christian integration in mental health counseling offers an opportunity for individuals to explore the intersection of their faith and mental well-being, seeking a deeper understanding of themselves and finding support within their spiritual framework.  In most cases, it is considered unethical for a mental health professional to allow parents to schedule counseling appointments for their adult children without a signed release of information. Here's why:
It is important for mental health professionals to carefully navigate these ethical and legal considerations and prioritize the well-being, autonomy, and confidentiality of their adult clients. What does a counseling release of information allow parents of adult children to do on their behalf? A counseling release of information, also known as a consent form or a HIPAA release, allows parents of adult children to access certain information and be involved in their child's counseling process. The specific permissions and limitations granted through a release of information can vary depending on the content of the form and the laws of the jurisdiction. Here are some common aspects typically covered by a release of information:
It's crucial to consult with the therapist or counseling agency regarding their specific policies and procedures for releases of information, as they may have additional requirements or limitations based on legal and ethical guidelines. Ultimately, the release of information allows parents to be involved in their adult child's counseling process within the boundaries agreed upon by all parties involved. If you have any questions regarding this specific issue, do not hesitate to contact Hayne Steen at [email protected].  In recent years, the importance of mental health has garnered significant attention, with a growing number of people seeking effective and innovative therapies to overcome emotional traumas and psychological challenges. One such therapeutic approach that has gained prominence is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. Developed in the late 1980s, EMDR has emerged as a powerful technique for addressing various mental health conditions, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety disorders, and depression. In this blog post, we will delve into the mental health benefits of EMDR therapy and explore how this unique approach can facilitate healing and personal growth.
Understanding EMDR Therapy: EMDR therapy is an integrative psychotherapy model that combines elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), neuroscience, and bilateral stimulation to help individuals process and resolve traumatic experiences and distressing memories. The approach was initially developed by Francine Shapiro, who observed the natural healing potential of eye movements in reducing the intensity of negative emotions associated with traumatic memories. The Therapy Process: During an EMDR session, a trained therapist guides the individual through a structured series of steps that involve recalling distressing memories or triggering events while simultaneously engaging in bilateral stimulation techniques. This can include eye movements, taps, or auditory cues. These bilateral stimulations are thought to facilitate the reprocessing of traumatic memories and promote adaptive information processing within the brain. Mental Health Benefits of EMDR Therapy:
If you'd like to explore meeting with an EMDR therapist at Elbow Tree, email us at [email protected] or call us at (904) 559-1944.  Surfing, the popular water sport, offers numerous mental health benefits. Here are some of the positive impacts it can have on mental well-being:
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