Is there a cure for my loneliness?

There is a hunger within every human heart to connect deeply with others and ourselves. Not every person has the same appetite for human connection. While some may have a more voracious appetite to connect, others may not have as strong a felt need for it. 

Loneliness is good.

Yes, you read that correctly. Like a hunger pain, we learn to listen to and honor our loneliness. Our hunger for connection is not something we will ever be able to shake. We would not want to "cure" our loneliness. That would equate to a broken form of emotional leprosy, not being able to "feel" our need for the nourishment of relationships. 

The pain of loneliness is different from the pain of isolation. Loneliness alerts us that we have a need to connect. Isolation is the experience of feeling hopelessly cut off from meaningful connection. 

Children who have grown up with severe food insecurities tend to have trouble "feeling hungry" and "feeling full." Their bodies and brains do not register the hunger feeling in the way their precious bodies were intended. 

Hunger is a feeling that tells me that I need to eat. Loneliness is a feeling that tells me that I have a hunger to connect. Isolation is a feeling that tells me that I have am starving relationally and am cut off from the relational nourishment of time spent with God, self and others. 

There are days when I feel lonely for my wife. Other days I might experience a loneliness for my friends. And still there is a loneliness for God that I feel and sometimes substitute with a person. 

One of the ways some people manage loneliness is to look at porn. In my friend Michael Cusick's book, "Surfing for God", he points to what people are looking for when they turn to fake connection for real connection. Michael's book hinges on the idea that, "when a man walks into a brothel, he is actually looking for God." 

Just like children in Haiti who eat "dirt cakes" to make their bellies stop aching, porn offers the same kind of sensation. Porn is a "dirt cake" that will never satisfy the intimacy we are seeking. In many ways it leaves us feeling even more gross, isolated and dissatisfied. 

Many of the "modern brothels" we spend time in aren't always sexual. Sometimes social media is a brothel we stare into. It offers the illusion of connection without any of the actual lasting benefit of being vulnerable. 

In the boredom of our loneliness, we log into Instagram attempting to borrow on the adventures of other people. We stare into the lives of people we know and we can't help but feel even more painfully alone in our own story.

This past weekend at a college football game I was surrounded by people (and guilt myself) of taking lots of pictures. Never before have people been able to record so many precious memories of their life together. What struck me was the obsessive and pervasive behavior all around me...and it felt like many were actually missing the moment in their attempt to capture the moment. 

In our loneliness we seek to capture an image of connection and we miss the actual connections that could actually be happening. And then we wonder why we feel so isolated and cut off. 

Jesus felt lonely. He is often recorded to have wandered (on purpose) out to the lonely places to pray and be alone with the Father. Luke’s Gospel reveals eleven unique accounts of Jesus feeling his loneliness along with his response, which was to intentionally seek out the connection he needed most. 

Solitude and isolation "look" similar but they could not be more different. Solitude and isolation are not the same thing. Moving out into the lonely places to be with God allows me to meet the deepest longing of my soul. To enter into silence is to allow those lonely feelings to become even more noisy. To remain in the silence allows the noise to settle and for God's presence to be sensed and known. 

Sometimes we enter into silence with the intent of listening. Maybe we open our Bible. Maybe we close it. Maybe we open our journal and we write. Other times we close it and put our pen away. Some days we open our eyes and stare at beautiful landscapes noticing what's happening in our outer geography. Yet, other days may be marked by laying face down on a blanket paying attention to what's happening in our inner geography. 

The cure for loneliness is not actually a cure. It is a healthy response to hunger. Just like I might desire candy, it is wise to listen to the desire and discern what I am needing. 

Questions for further consideration:

1. Where do you tend to go first when you feel lonely?
2. When are you most prone to isolating yourself?
3. Is there a way that you are attempting to satisfy loneliness that only leaves you even more painfully lonely?
4. What would it look like for you to listen to your loneliness and honor it well?

Thats What The Lonely Is For
by David Wilcox

The depth of your dreams
The height of your wishes
The length of your vision to see
The hope of your heart
Is much bigger than this
For it's made out of what might be
Picture your hope, your heart's desire
As a castle that you must keep
In all of its splendor, it's drafty with lonely
This heart is too hard to heat
But when I get lonely, that's only a sign
Some room is empty that room is there by design
If I feel hollow, well, that's just my proof that there's some more
For me to follow that's what the lonely is for
Is it a curse or a blessing? This palace of promise
When the empty chill makes you weep
With only the thin fire of romance to warm you
These halls are too tall and deep
But when I get lonely, that's only a sign
Some room is empty that room is there by design
If I feel hollow, well, that's just my proof that there's some more
For me to follow that's what the lonely is for
But you can seal up the pain
Build walls in the hallways
Close off a small room to live in
But those walls will remain
And keep you there always
And you'll never know why you were given
Why you were given the lonely
Some room is empty, if you feel hollow that's
Just your proof that there's some more
You need to follow that's what the lonely is for
For the depth of your dreams
The height of your wishes
The length of your vision to see
The hope of your heart
Is much bigger than this
For it's made out of what might be
But when I get lonely, that's only a sign
Some room is empty that room is there by design
If I feel hollow, well, that's just my proof that there's some more
For me to follow that's what the lonely is for
When I get lonely, some room is empty
And if I feel hollow that's just my proof that there's some more
For me to follow that's what the lonely is for
Me to follow that's what the lonely is for, for me to follow