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      • Pre-Marriage Counseling
    • Brittany Steen
    • Ashley Fulton
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    • Aubrey Cannata
    • Taylor Johnston >
      • Trauma
    • Melissa Vollhardt
    • Pam McCormick
    • Shannon Raikes
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    • Our Office
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    • Christian Counseling
    • EMDR
    • Our Offerings
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Reflections for the inner life.

Trouble

8/21/2018

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"In this world there will be trouble."

My heart knows this full well. Not too long ago, every morning, I would wake up with a pack of spider monkeys waiting to pounce on me. They seemed to gather in the form of concerns, worries, anxiety and stress.  

Concerns that could grow into worries. Worries that might produce anxious feelings. Anxious feelings that so easily would morph into stress manifesting in my body. 

And there is a tempter who can scream into the flurry of my troubled heart. It leans in close and shouts, "Get busy!" And how many days do I obey? Far too many. 

There is another voice who whispers an alternative pathway, inviting me to suspend my busy spinning mind by entering the day through the gateway of my heart.

God does not desire for me to ignore the trouble. No, if anything, God is inviting me into a deeper engagement with what troubles my heart. His invitation is into my fear. 


"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

In a world of peacekeeping, God is in the business of peacemaking. What's the difference? Peacekeeping is a fear based avoidance. Peacemaking is a deep soulful engagement. 

Peacekeepers avoid telling you hard things in order to avoid upsetting the apple cart. They tip toe around the awkward truth. This is not love. It is the opposite of love...it's apathy. 

Peacemakers speak the truth in love. They speak up when its uncomfortable and work for the shalom of the world. They graciously enter into the troubled space with a whole heart. This is risky love. It's messy but worth it. 

Being a peacemaker involves diplomacy - which begins and ends with the "fruit if the spirit.
“ Any voice (yours or any other) that do not sound like love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control is the voice of the accuser.

May you join me in embracing fear, pushing into the dark of our discomfort. May we also take courage in the truth of what professor and priest, Barbara Brown Taylor suggests in her helpful book "Learning to Walk in the Dark."

"N
ew life starts in the dark. Whether it is a seed in the ground, a baby in the womb, or Jesus in the tomb, it starts in the dark.”
—Barbara Brown Taylor

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6 Questions I Needed to Be Asked

8/7/2018

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​I recently received an email from a young woman interested in exploring Christian Counseling as her calling and profession. Here are the six questions she asked me that I really needed to be asked. 

1. What steps did you have to make to get to where you are? What colleges did you go to and what degrees did you get?

I went to Flagler College, studied English and Youth Ministry, which were both infused with professors and students who were deeply interested in spiritual formation and human flourishing.Before attending graduate school, my wife and I were on staff with Young Life and the local church for 20 years. During countless hours of one on one appointments with students or parents, I consistently found myself addressing family situations with them such as dealing with a parent’s divorce, sexual abuse, facing family wounds from the past that had never healed, dating, marriage, etc. Seeing these needs, I sensed a calling to pursue advanced psychological studies and devote my life to helping people conquer life issues. In 2011, I received my Master of Arts degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Richmont Graduate University. Over the past 20 years (in youth ministry and in private practice), I have counseled individuals, children, adolescents, families and couples with a variety of presenting issues pastorally and as a lay counselor. For over eight years, my work with ETCC has involved these, as well as other types of presenting issues. 

Bachelors Degree + Graduate School + 3000 supervised counseling hours + National Mental Health Counselor Examination (NMHCE) + a handful of Florida Board of Health requirements = Licensure as Licensed Mental Health Counselor 

2. How many years did it take for you to get there? 

I started graduate school in September 2007 and graduated in May 2011. It took four years because I was also working full time as a Youth Minister at a large church in Chattanooga, TN. I elected to remain in weekly post-gardaute supervision for 5 years ($75 per week) while in private practice. When I moved to Florida in summer of 2017, I hit the ground running and prepared for the NMHCE, passed it, handled a number of state requirements and received my Florida license in April 2018. Florida was generous to receive all of my work in Tennessee as eligible work toward my FL license. 

I started seeing clients in my 4th year of grad school, but my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy was 97 hours where the Professional Counseling degree was 66. In that last year of school you would begin seeing clients as a graduate intern. Right now I have 3 graduate interns seeing clients earning hours toward their degrees. 

*Clarification: You can move through a graduate counseling program in mental health counseling full time in 2 years. You'll have a minimum of 2 years of supervision beyond graduation which then can lead to licensure. So, four years if you aggressive and do not have an other irons in the fire. 

3. What's the hardest part(s) of your job?

There are a number of challenging parts to the job.

One is the learning curve to discern what clients are in your wheelhouse and which ones are not. Learning to refer to qualified colleagues becomes a wonderful way to grow your network, develop some partnerships and cultivate a referral base (both give and receiving). 

Another dimension is definitely financial. Launching a private practice takes time, which also means it takes some money. I launched Elbow Tree last fall in August and it has been my all consuming focus, even when I was not making money for my time. Thankfully I embedded in with my best friend in his practice in the early stages of when he launched Elbow Tree in Chattanooga. I still had to learn all the in’s and out’s of launching a private practice from basic bookkeeping, marketing, networking, while also continuing to sharpen my therapeutic skill beyond graduation. Being in a counseling practice that cultivates competent and compassionate emerging counselors is something I desired and am hoping to cultivate here in St. Augustine. 

One other dimension could be loneliness. So much of your day as a therapist is spent with clients and many therapists report feeling lonely in the work as so many are hanging a shingle as a solo practitioner. That is another dimension to why I launched Elbow Tree here. I need community and wanted to be able to choose who I surround myself with. Our counseling team is a wonderfully gifted and skilled community of Christian counselors who have/are continuing to hopefully be formed into Christ’s likeness in and away from our counseling work. 

Self care is every counselor’s highest need and yet, often, it can become shuffled to back of the list of priorities. I ask everyone of our counselors to describe in writing to me how they are actively cultivating their 6 month "self care plan" and we check in on that when we grab tacos or coffee together. I am chief sinner in this area and need the accountability, which I work on with a mentor in my own life. 

4. While I know it must be a hard job, do you guys enjoy it? Do you think it's worth it? 

I love it. Being trained as a Christian Counselor is a professional pivot that will prepare you to serve the world and God’s church in some specialized ways. You effectively would be preparing yourself to become a mobile missionary with a highly specialized set of skills that will serve a multidimensional target audience. I work with pastors and missionaries who are exhausted and broken to entrepreneurs who feel lost in their sense of purpose to families struggling to love one another well to deploying into 3rd world global disaster zones to offer critical incident stress management and post traumatic interventions. 

It is not for everybody. If you struggle with offering  empathy and compassion, I’d urge you away from this space into something else. If you have a hyper need to be needed then I’d recommend doing some deep inner work around that with a competent therapist. If you have good boundaries and a deep heart for walking slowly with people as people heal and begin to reorient toward flourishing, then this is the place for you. 

To speak of its worth would never be able to declare the truest and highest sense of the need and worth…the Holy Spirit refers to Itself as Comforter, Counselor and Friend…and while we are not abdicating or taking on the role of the Holy Spirit as junior holy spirits, we will most definitely image (aka look like) God most when we orient toward people with lovingkindness, gentleness, non-judgement, warmth, curiosity and empathy. It’s God’s kindness that leads us to repentance…(aka it’s God’s kindness that captures our heart, opens us up to change, walks with us into the most painful patterns we have developed and invites us to hope in the ongoing work of Christ even when our traumatic injuries tell our bodies and minds that we need that old pattern or attachment). 

5. What is the demand for Christian Counselors in today's world?

I have many friends who are amazing Christians who do not fly under the banner of Christian in their counseling practices. It’s a rigorous process to decide which you will choose in order to serve the clients you feel most called to serve.

In my work, I feel particularly called to be a beacon for the local Church and then to the surrounding community. If Christians are seeking wellness in our world they will look more like the Jesus we love and then the world will see and know the beauty of Jesus radiating in His healing community…who also invite people broken, sick and sore into their midst. Hurt people hurt people. In and out of the church. I also believe that healing people heal people…so if our church can orient toward healing and cultivating this ethos among themselves, then those outside the church may feel drawn to the depth of inner hope that would inevitably leak from the believers. So, that is why I target pastors and missionaries…caring for caregivers…if these elders among us have permission to be broken and imperfect then we too will find a safe place in them and the believers can come out of hiding and become open to vulnerability…which is the birthplace of human and heavenly innovation and change. Jesus modeled vulnerability among from the moment he was born unto His dying breath. 

The world desperately needs highly competent skilled clinicians who are dispersed into the entire work force…bringing this ethic of deep heavenly care into those paces. I moved to St. Augustine with the stated intent of opening Elbow Tree as a beacon for Christians…and I was honestly really worried that being overtly Christian would be a hindrance to the growth of my business.

There is a need for Christians to be highly skilled when caring for the multi-dimensional needs of our hurting world. Counselors are sharp instruments that God can use to serve a deeply traumatized and aching culture…to speak to the truths revealed in research and science…and the scriptures...and to operate using the best trauma informed best practices as they serve clients well. 

The need is absolutely enormous…some markets are certainly saturated. So, find a community who has an unmet need that is not being met. St. Augustine was this place for me.

6. Is the money that you are earning now sufficient for living?

Yes. It takes time so you’ll need something to float you while you get things up and running. Every person’s needs are different but I can tell you that if you are creative and patient, the Lord will use those gifts and strengths to help you provide in ways you could never imagine. 

If you’d ever like to talk more, feel free to email or call. I’m always eager to speak with interested counseling students 

If you are reading this and think you'd like to have a conversation like this, please email me at hayne@elbowtreeforida.com. 
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Being There - Learning to Serve Firefighters

7/1/2018

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Some of my favorite people on the planet are firefighters. My brother has been a professional firefighter for 15+ years and I've loved having a front row seat into firefighter culture, living vicariously through him. I've hung around the firehouse from time to time, shared a few meals with his crew in restaurants and at the firehouse.

Earlier in the year, a couple local firefighters invited me into their developing conversation about Critical Incident Stress Management (CISM) as a means of serving firefighters after a critical incident occurs. More than anything, it is exciting to spend time with first responders who see the need to deepen their care for one another and the next generation of firefighters. 

Last week, I was given the rare opportunity (by these same local firefighters) to be fully immersed into the world of a firefighter. The "Florida Firefighter Health and Safety Collaborative" have developed an amazing strategy for streamlining psychological care for firefighters. FFHSC invited 40 licensed clinicians (mental health counselors, licensed social workers, clinical psychologists, etc) to an historic event tailored specifically for counseling professionals hoping to serve firefighters with even greater professional insight. 

Here is the general description: 


"This 2 day full immersion course is designed for clinicians and providers who desire to learn more about the unique firefighter culture in order to be more effective in treating firefighters. The class provides an extensive and understanding of Firefighter culture, lingo, lifestyle and details about the unique stressors the job entails. This training includes both classroom and live scenarios, including wearing turnout gear, watching a live burn training scenario, visiting fire stations and interacting with firefighters."

Firefighters and counselors have a shared sense of calling between them that is poignant. Neither group wants bad things to happen to people. However, when bad things do happen, we both want to be there.

"Being there" comes with a heavy price tag.
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Over time, firefighters will be exposed to untold numbers of critical incidents that can wound them, often in unseen ways. Thankfully, there is a ground swell of interest among seasoned firemen who are actively curating care protocols for psychologically injured firefighters. 

Over the course of the two day immersion, we heard from firefighters who had been the first on the scene at the Pulse Nightclub and Parkland High School shootings. One by one, we heard the brave and heroic stories from these firefighters., who generously invited us to catch a vulnerable glimpse of the emotional aftermath of a terrorist attack. It was holy ground to hear them tell their story. 

​As the brother of a career firefighter, I thought I had an understanding of what firefighter culture looked like. It was not until this immersion experience that I could even pair my perception with an actual live experience. 

Coming away from my time in Orlando, I am looking forward to continuing to sharpen my craft in caring well for first responders. Minimally, spending a day with high speed professionals like these men and women will only make me a better therapist. 

In a couple weeks, I will log 24 hours of live ride time with the St. Johns County Fire Department. This, paired with 16 hours of immersion, will vet me to be included on the statewide "Redline Rescue" database. 
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A LITTLE MORE FROM FFSHC:

The Clinician Awareness class was held June 26-27 at the Central Florida Fire Training Facility. Instructors Chris Bator, Jeremy Hurd, Larry Doelling, and Dustin Hawkins utilized this intensive class to provide clinicians an opportunity to learn more about the firefighter culture in order to be more effective in treatment of firefighters.   The class was full with 45 attendees who enjoyed the unique learning experience and intimate insight. The intensive 16 hour program's content immerses the student immediately into the unique language, dynamic personality, and trauma immersed life of the first responder. The Second portion of Day One allowed the clinicians a hands-on perspective of the intensity and physically demanding nature of what it means to "walk a mile in our boots". The clinicians "gear up" and got to work in the training tower in a simulated smoke environment with the goal of better understanding how the first responders function as a cohesive unit by preforming a building search and victim rescue.

​Day Two allows the Clinicians to interact one on one with first responders whom have successfully developed resiliency skills through professional programs to better understand the mindset of first responders in crisis and how to bridge the gaps in treatment. 


The participating clinicians and mental health professionals are being utilized to populate a resource map which is being shared state wide to increase the support options to all first responder agencies across Florida to meet the expanding mental wellness needs.

We are thankful to Lt Jeff Orrange City of Orlando Fire Department and Lt Anthony Willis from Orange County Fire rescue and the FFSHC Central Region for coordinating and planning this event. The Central Florida Fire Consortium provided an amazing facility and all the local Departments that committed resources made this event a huge success. In addition, we are very proud to have the support of the Central Florida fire service, Fire Chiefs Association, Cigna, University of Central Florida Restores program as well as the vendor support for this event from Ten-8 Fire Equipment.
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Out of the Rubble

6/16/2018

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On the day after Father's day and in the midst of a hailstorm of upsetting news about immigrant children in danger, maybe this could be a practical way for us to invest in children today. 

We are selling handmade tote bags from Haiti. Read a little more here on my blog about how this connects to the lives of beloved immigrant children, one of which calls me "Dad."
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The 2010 catastrophic earthquake leveled much of Haiti with an epicenter approximately 16 miles west of Port-au-Prince, Haiti's capital. Little did we know it, our (soon to be adopted) daughter was trapped underneath rubble, where she would remain for days without water or food or hope of rescue. Help did come and she was rescued from the rubble. 
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Soon after the earthquake, a number of Elbow Tree therapists from Chattanooga deployed on disaster response teams to Haiti offering psychological triage to pastors, community leaders and orphan care workers. Much of their interaction occurred in an orphanage in Port-au-Prince, where many would meet and interact with our daughter. Still, we had not met one another yet. 

In the months and years following the earthquake, a number of Haitian children were being adopted into some amazing families in Chattanooga. In the fall of 2012, my wife and I were introduced to a little girl whose story gripped our hearts. Each little detail of her precious life only confirmed evidence of God's invitation to open up our family to her. 

Our hearts are now forever marked with a distinct affection and love for the precious people of Haiti. Our daughter's story is now our story. We are forever linked to a place and a people whose beauty and resilience outshine any limitation they may face. 

Some of our mentors and heroes, Charlie and Mary Scott, have been deeply invested in Haiti for a long time. Their work continues today and Elbow Tree is lucky enough to be able to play a small role in supporting their great effort selling a handful of hand made goods that support the Good Shepherd School  and the ministry of Young Life
in Port Au Prince.

We'd love your help...     


Clean water is extremely scarce 
in Haiti. 4 million plastic water bags are purchased daily in Haiti and each bag contains 
4 oz. of water and costs 4 pennies. Because there is no formal sanitation system, most bags end up on the ground.

They have developed a process of turning those water bags into renewable goods. More specifically they are turning these water bags into a wide range of beautiful and unique tote bags great for the beach or grocery store. 

We are selling these bags for $30 in our office. Proceeds go to the continue the work of bringing hope and help to a special place and people.

​Join our efforts to support this great work in Haiti!
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I'm ready to buy a PeaceCycle Bag
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Beauty Out of Brokenness

3/18/2018

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Thank you for taking the time to watch this important short film featuring a friend of mine, John Marsh. 

John is from Opelika, Alabama. So is my dear friend, pastor and mentor, Dr. Bill Dudley. Bill was my wife's childhood pastor. He later married my wife and I, baptized all three of our children and I was blessed to serve in ministry with him during a special season of our life at Signal Mountain Presbyterian Church.  Bill Dudley was the first person I'd ever known from Opelika and he spoke of his hometown with a fondness and special appreciation I envied. 

John and I first met a couple years ago in Nashville at an artist retreat. Over the course of several days together, we were often seated together at a couple meals or on a bus traveling between historic homes and event venues around the Nashville area. 

Conversation was natural and easy. I attribute much of that to John's own transparency. The time with him marked me for sure and I've continued to savor the connection. 

Meeting John Marsh and getting to spend some impromptu time together was a real treasure. His kindness and his vision remind me of my great friend Bill, who invited me into a sweet friendship that fostered an enduring trust and vulnerability.

I can safely say that Bill Dudley has been someone who invited me to bring my weary heart to the front porch of our friendship, and together we would trust Jesus to bring healing and wholeness into the lonely places. He saw beauty where I only saw brokenness.  

These two men from Opelika have very different stories but the aim of their life's work has been dedicated to restoring broken places.  The integrity of their mission begins in the seat of their own lives. Their kindness and accessibility are incredibly disarming. Both would not take credit for work only God could accomplish.  

Earlier today, John sent me a link to this new film that features a taste of he and his wife's story. I was in tears as I watched. What a gift to individuals or couples in difficult seasons of life who are hanging on by a thread. 


"Their story as a couple mirrors the story of a city once neglected and now reclaimed. Through a vulnerable recount of their past tumult, the Marshes share how healing in their broken lives became their inspiration to bring hope to others.  

John and Ashley Marsh are the proprietors of The Marsh Collective, a conglomerate of business ventures dedicated to resurrecting the city of Opelika, Alabama." 


If you are inclined, please pass this along to a friend who you think might appreciate watching this. Trust me, John and his wife are the real deal. They are living proof that we are loved beyond any measure of performance or attempt at perfection. 

May you also sense the kindness of God through the kindness and tenderness of my friend John. 

Thank you John and Ashley for sharing your story. And for your vision to bring healing and wholeness to communities and cities!
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The Mask of Trauma and Abuse

3/13/2018

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by ​Louise Osborn, LMHC

I have talked before about the dangers of leaving a mask on too long. Today I would like to talk about the many different masks survivors wear, the reasons we wear them and the danger of becoming too attached to the mask.

There are many different reasons events that could make a person adopt a mask, but the underlying reason is the same.  “Fear”!  Fear of appearing to be a failure, fear of someone finding out your past, fear of looking weak or emotional.  But fear is a dangerous bedfellow and can easily make you lose yourself altogether.

Those very things in our past, the hurts and insecurities are begging for release and releasing them leads to freedom. The first step to removing the mask is realizing what mask you wear most.  The people pleaser? I have to do everything for everyone or they won’t like me.  I will put him first and he will love me. Or maybe its the perfectionist? I must stay in control and do everything right. I crave help but I am afraid to ask or accept it.  The I must be attractive all the time mask? If I must be beautiful to be worthy of love. There are of course others. The approval mask or the performer, and many wear different masks at different times or even multiple masks. Doesn’t it get tiring?

To begin to take off the masks though, we must face our past hurts, traumas and experiences and discover how they came to be.  Maybe it goes back to winning a parents approval as a child,  a negative relationship or a traumatic experience.  I will acknowledge that for me this exercise helped me to realize how many masks I wear and how they have led to more negative experiences that in turn created new masks. It has been eye opening to realize how many I still wear and how they have piled up.

I have also realized how much of my true self and beauty is hidden and how revealing it can lead to true contentment.  To not be afraid to speak up about something you feel is unfair, to allow someone to see your weaknesses, to accept help from someone or actually trust another person.  In order to accomplish any of these we must learn to remove the mask and trust that everything will be ok.  That the people that truly love us can handle it and those that don’t we don’t need in our lives anyway.  That God does have a plan for us but by wearing the mask we are hiding our potential to live out his plan.

So how do we learn to take off the mask?  Although everyone is different, my suggestion is that you first identify your masks and the events that caused it.  Then, as hard as it sounds, you face your negative experiences, fears and traumas and you forgive and continually forgive anyone that harmed you.  Lastly you put your faith fully in Gods plan for you.  Lean on him and his words for comfort and strength.  And if you still struggle, reach out to someone.  A therapist, friend or family member and let them know what you are struggling with, what masks you wear and why.  Voicing your story is difficult but cleansing at the same time, and it may help someone else you know take off their mask.
Email Louise Osborn to schedule an appointment today!
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#KEEPITLOCAL

3/13/2018

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Recently, I was contacted by a marketing company inviting me to host my own radio show to reach a global audience. What ensued was a well-designed invitation for me to make a small investment of $7,000 into my own training and marketing of the first pilot season of the radio show. They would even train me and help produce the show! 

This was my Facebook post that day: ​
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This talent scout established a relaxed and friendly phone posture while inserting flatteries along the way, each of them subtly targeting my human desire to do and be something great. 

Since the phone call, I've been wondering what allowed me to remain on the phone line so long. To be honest, it's a little embarrassing to admit that part of me was captivated by his invitation. Normally I would have just hung up.

The timing of the call was well placed in my life. I've wondered how the talent scout might have known that my ego was hungry for affirmation that day.

Could there be more going on here than just a cold call from a salesman in disguise as a "talent scout?" 

Matthew's gospel records Jesus experiencing a similar interaction with a "talent scout" tempting him with greatness. The tone of the voice of the tempter in Matthew's narrative feels awfully familiar to the talent scout. "The devil took [Jesus] to a very high mountain, and from there showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their magnificence." 

The Tempter suggests to Jesus that greatness is found in the spectacular. He even offers three avenues to "go big or go home." Jesus isn't having that though. 

Over and over again, the talent scout I spoke with on the phone kept repeating one key phrase to me. "Trust me. You'll thank me one day." It was his invitation to "trust him" that actually helped me turn the corner. Trust is not something you can demand from me. It is the fruit of an enduring healthy human connection with someone. The people I trust have never told me to trust them. They simply lived their lives in front me in such a way that they earned and sustained my trust over time. 

The tempter made a very similar offer to Jesus while overlooking the kingdom below. “Everything there I will give you,” he said to him, “if you will fall down and worship me.” Like the talent scout, the tempter simply says, "Trust me." 

Once again, the "if...then" here feels so familiar and similar to my phone call. 

Three invitations from the tempter are followed by three relationally grounded responses from Jesus. Over and over, Jesus leans on his intimate local connection to the Father to resist his tempter. Jesus has a depth of history with his Heavenly Father. His Father can be trusted, Eternity has already proven this and Jesus is not about to sell out. 

Away with you!” replied Jesus to the tempter. 

We all need local voices in our lives who help keep us grounded when a tempter or talent scout targets us. Radio shows are not evil. Expanding influence is not evil either. Selling our souls to the illusion of "bigger is better" would be. First to yourself and then to your local community. 

Here are a few "local voices" in my life who were kind enough to speak up...
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Why Christmas Makes Me Cry

12/6/2017

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by ​Louise Osborn, LMHC

I woke up one morning recently with that odd mix of irritation, sadness and confusion. Nothing had happened, so why was I in such a funk? More importantly, how was I going to break it. I started with exploring the obvious. We traveled for Thanksgiving and came straight back to the grind of the week so the house wasn’t in order. That tends to make me feel out of sorts so I organized the kids room and front porch, threw out some things, took others to charity. Doing for others always makes you feel better right? And it did……but not like it usually does…..I was still off.

I decided to begin the Christmas season by doing some decorating. Maybe that would help, but first I had to go get some new things. It was the music in Lowe’s, honestly, that did it. It brought everything flying back into my mind so clearly that I was shocked I hadn’t realized it when I first woke up that day.  It was almost December. Friday would be December 1st, in fact.

I’ve had 6 miscarriages. All but 2 have been in December. The last two were the furthest along. The last one was by far, the most traumatic which was in late December and thus mentally, it is intrinsically linked to Christmas music. 

I am learning that its not just the music. Its the season.

During the last miscarriage, I was under so much pressure to perform as if nothing was wrong. We had three other children that I wanted to provide a good Christmas for (one a one year old) and my in laws were going to be in town staying with us. Unfortunately, due to the other miscarriages, we elected to keep this pregnancy a secret planning to reveal it at Christmas, which put me over 12 weeks and in the safety zone.

We were pregnant with twins!

The week prior to Christmas, at my 13 week mark, I went for my check up and my doctor failed to find one of the heartbeats. I was devastated. The week before we had two heartbeats. He consoled me, prayed with me and told me to come back the day before my in-laws landed. I did and learned we lost the other child. I endured the week of their visit in a blur of hiding, crying in my room and probably more alcohol than is healthy. I had surgery the day after they left on New Years Eve. The hospital played Christmas music  and my in-laws never even knew I was pregnant.

I have since more than made my peace with God.  Now I understand why I went through what I went through and I love my son Matthew (our youngest, born the day before Thanksgiving the following year) so much that I can’t even contemplate him not being in our family.

8 years later, Christmas music still makes me cry.
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The body always remembers grief and makes you acknowledge it, no matter how hard you try to move on. Outside of the mother who loses her baby, no one else really acknowledges a lost pregnancy. It really is a lonely grief, especially years out. I have learned, though, that taking a few minutes to look at those old sonogram pictures tends to keep the grief at bay for another year.

If you are in need of some grief counseling, Louise Osborn is available to take appointments in both the Julington Creek area or in our Elbow Tree office located in Saint Augustine. Her email is louise@elbowtreecooperative.com. 
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Is there a cure for my loneliness?

11/20/2017

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There is a hunger within every human heart to connect deeply with others and ourselves. Not every person has the same appetite for human connection. While some may have a more voracious appetite to connect, others may not have as strong a felt need for it. 

Loneliness is good.

Yes, you read that correctly. Like a hunger pain, we learn to listen to and honor our loneliness. Our hunger for connection is not something we will ever be able to shake. We would not want to "cure" our loneliness. That would equate to a broken form of emotional leprosy, not being able to "feel" our need for the nourishment of relationships. 

The pain of loneliness is different from the pain of isolation. Loneliness alerts us that we have a need to connect. Isolation is the experience of feeling hopelessly cut off from meaningful connection. 

Children who have grown up with severe food insecurities tend to have trouble "feeling hungry" and "feeling full." Their bodies and brains do not register the hunger feeling in the way their precious bodies were intended. 

Hunger is a feeling that tells me that I need to eat. Loneliness is a feeling that tells me that I have a hunger to connect. Isolation is a feeling that tells me that I have am starving relationally and am cut off from the relational nourishment of time spent with God, self and others. 

There are days when I feel lonely for my wife. Other days I might experience a loneliness for my friends. And still there is a loneliness for God that I feel and sometimes substitute with a person. 

One of the ways some people manage loneliness is to look at porn. In my friend Michael Cusick's book, "Surfing for God", he points to what people are looking for when they turn to fake connection for real connection. Michael's book hinges on the idea that, "when a man walks into a brothel, he is actually looking for God." 

Just like children in Haiti who eat "dirt cakes" to make their bellies stop aching, porn offers the same kind of sensation. Porn is a "dirt cake" that will never satisfy the intimacy we are seeking. In many ways it leaves us feeling even more gross, isolated and dissatisfied. 

Many of the "modern brothels" we spend time in aren't always sexual. Sometimes social media is a brothel we stare into. It offers the illusion of connection without any of the actual lasting benefit of being vulnerable. 

In the boredom of our loneliness, we log into Instagram attempting to borrow on the adventures of other people. We stare into the lives of people we know and we can't help but feel even more painfully alone in our own story.

This past weekend at a college football game I was surrounded by people (and guilt myself) of taking lots of pictures. Never before have people been able to record so many precious memories of their life together. What struck me was the obsessive and pervasive behavior all around me...and it felt like many were actually missing the moment in their attempt to capture the moment. 

In our loneliness we seek to capture an image of connection and we miss the actual connections that could actually be happening. And then we wonder why we feel so isolated and cut off. 


Jesus felt lonely. He is often recorded to have wandered (on purpose) out to the lonely places to pray and be alone with the Father. Luke’s Gospel reveals eleven unique accounts of Jesus feeling his loneliness along with his response, which was to intentionally seek out the connection he needed most. 

Solitude and isolation "look" similar but they could not be more different. 
Solitude and isolation are not the same thing. Moving out into the lonely places to be with God allows me to meet the deepest longing of my soul. To enter into silence is to allow those lonely feelings to become even more noisy. To remain in the silence allows the noise to settle and for God's presence to be sensed and known. 

Sometimes we enter into silence with the intent of listening. Maybe we open our Bible. Maybe we close it. Maybe we open our journal and we write. Other times we close it and put our pen away. Some days we open our eyes and stare at beautiful landscapes noticing what's happening in our outer geography. Yet, other days may be marked by laying face down on a blanket paying attention to what's happening in our inner geography. 

The cure for loneliness is not actually a cure. It is a healthy response to hunger. Just like I might desire candy, it is wise to listen to the desire and discern what I am needing. 

Questions for further consideration:

1. Where do you tend to go first when you feel lonely?
2. When are you most prone to isolating yourself?
3. Is there a way that you are attempting to satisfy loneliness that only leaves you even more painfully lonely?
4. What would it look like for you to listen to your loneliness and honor it well?
Thats What The Lonely Is For
by David Wilcox

The depth of your dreams
The height of your wishes
The length of your vision to see
The hope of your heart
Is much bigger than this
For it's made out of what might be
Picture your hope, your heart's desire
As a castle that you must keep
In all of its splendor, it's drafty with lonely
This heart is too hard to heat
But when I get lonely, that's only a sign
Some room is empty that room is there by design
If I feel hollow, well, that's just my proof that there's some more
For me to follow that's what the lonely is for
Is it a curse or a blessing? This palace of promise
When the empty chill makes you weep
With only the thin fire of romance to warm you
These halls are too tall and deep
But when I get lonely, that's only a sign
Some room is empty that room is there by design
If I feel hollow, well, that's just my proof that there's some more
For me to follow that's what the lonely is for
But you can seal up the pain
Build walls in the hallways
Close off a small room to live in
But those walls will remain
And keep you there always
And you'll never know why you were given
Why you were given the lonely
Some room is empty, if you feel hollow that's
Just your proof that there's some more
You need to follow that's what the lonely is for
For the depth of your dreams
The height of your wishes
The length of your vision to see
The hope of your heart
Is much bigger than this
For it's made out of what might be
But when I get lonely, that's only a sign
Some room is empty that room is there by design
If I feel hollow, well, that's just my proof that there's some more
For me to follow that's what the lonely is for
When I get lonely, some room is empty
And if I feel hollow that's just my proof that there's some more
For me to follow that's what the lonely is for
Me to follow that's what the lonely is for, for me to follow

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Are secrets harmful to a marriage?

11/19/2017

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We live in a day and age when our lives are less hidden. The advent of social media has accelerated human connection and not all of it is helpful. Our mobile phones have become a primary method for communication. They have also become a powerful tool for manufacturing and maintaining toxic secrets.  

You will not find one body of valid research promoting the introduction of toxic secrecy in a marriage to help a relationship flourish. No couple in my counseling office has ever uttered the words, “Our marriage was really struggling, but things got so much better once we started keeping secrets from one another.”

If you are in a marriage where secrets are sabotaging trust, let’s take a deep breath and take a minute explore this a little further. 

If you are keeping a secret from your spouse, your feelings of guilt, shame and fear are understandable. They will force you to hide, even from yourself. Over time, this guarded posture will suffocate you the longer you remain in it. The weightiness of your secret/s will cause an emotional, relational and a spiritual scoliosis, bending and shaping you into someone who you will not even recognize. It’s time to begin exploring how to pivot toward the freedom of transparency. 

On the other hand, if you suspect that your spouse may be hiding something, the upset and heartache you are experiencing are also valid and normal. No matter how you happen to uncover a secret, whether accidentally or if you go in hunting for it, your hurt is a very normal human response along with anger, fear, and sadness. The longer you remain in this cycle of mistrust, the more profoundly you will be formed and shaped by it. To remain in an enduring pattern of hyper-vigilance to your spouses habit of lies and secrets is absolutely toxic. It’s time to begin exploring how to courageously pivot toward the freedom of some newly formed boundaries. 

In marriage, there are huge differences between healthy secrets and toxic secrets. Healthy secrets are time limited for things like birthday gifts, special surprises like concert tickets, and other life giving celebratory events. Healthy secrets promote a spirit oneness in the marriage leaving couples feeling more intimately connected. For example, we willfully operate within agreed upon budgets. We also don’t humiliate or embarrass but celebrate and affirm. Healthy secrets bless your spouse should they ever happen to discover them prematurely. 

What’s the difference between my “private thought life” and a “secret.” 

Everyone has private thoughts. Your thought life is a much different environment than your secret life. Private thoughts are reserved as a place for the necessary work of internal consideration, contemplation, discernment or self examination. Your private thoughts can hold onto healthy secrets indefinitely without any negative outcome. Secrets, specifically “toxic secrets”, indicate some current or future action that will jeopardize the integrity of a trusting relationship. Toxic secrets are marked by the strategic intent to withhold, mask, manipulate or hide both actions or intentions. Private thoughts honor the timeless tradition of seeking wisdom and listening well to wise counsel.

Another way of describing a toxic secret is “any action or intent that threatens oneness in a marriage.” Oneness is the tender but resilient space between a husband and wife that is reserved for honoring one another well and living a Christ centered life together. Oneness is a space marked by a growing number of the fruits of the spirit; “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

If a husband cultivates intimate emotional space with a woman who is not his wife or his therapist, and he elects to keep the details of his intimate engagement sheltered or harbored in secrecy, that would describe an example of a “toxic secret.”

Couples who keep secrets plant seeds of discontent and over time they grow into trees that can not be pulled up by hand. Had those secrets been given the opportunity to be shared and known when they were saplings, they could have been dealt with and handled accordingly being pulled out by the root.

By the time many couples come into marriage counseling, they have sown many seeds of toxic secrecy that have been planted. Time has often only intensified their resolve to keep them hidden. One excuse is, “I just don’t think it’s worth hurting my spouse with that information after so many years.” Another might be, “I love them to much to share this secret now. It would wreck them.”

Secrets grow and they become heavy and burdensome. They crowd out trust and intimacy. Intimate touch, soft tones, tender nudges, loving approaches, loving pursuit all become the first victims of toxic secrecy. To pursue closeness with my wife is to risk being known which is to risk being found out. Secrets love to grow in darkness. The light of day exposes them for what they are…weeds. 

Have you ever seen a home so overgrown with weeds and vines that the structure had become dramatically compromised? There is an abandoned condemned building in Chattanooga near the intersection of Main and Market that had a large tree growing into and out of the brick. No zoning committee would ever approve of that structure being opened for business while still hosting this enormous tree in its infrastructure.

The same is true with toxic secrets. They will blow up your life eventually. Ivy growing on red bricks can be very pretty. The reality, though, is that ivy can literally tear down a brick wall given enough time. It weaves its way through the mortar and over time slowly allows the wall to crumble under the sheer weight of itself.

Toxic Secrecy shows up in relationships for a number of reasons. Here are four;
    1. To guard my own self interest.
    2. To protect my self image.
    3. To mitigate my deep fear of rejection.
    4. To maintain my unhealthy attachment or addiction.

As damaging as a secret may be to a relationship, secrecy is only a symptom. It’s actually not the core issue. Exposing the secret will requires more than a singular tearful confession. It is a compound fracture that will involve a skilled and experienced facilitator. It will also require us to lean on the truth of what Chip Dodd describes as the “algorithm for change” which he defines as “willingness + patience + work + time.”

When couples come in marriage counseling to confront toxicity in their relationship, lies are exposed and the truth comes out. Old wounds are exposed to oxygen and relationship foundations have the opportunity to be repaired and renovated. Sometimes the truth can shatter whatever foundation remains, like new wine poured into an old wine skin, a marriage may not be able to endure the discovery of toxic secrets. In the recovery community this is called “hitting rock bottom”. Years of witnessing humans recover informs us that this actually can become the birthplace of human change and transformation.

To leave toxic things in the ground is to ensure that the drinking water is poisoned. They may be hidden for now but they always leak into the water supply for generations upon generations of poisoning. Scripture calls this generational sin.

Conversely, when toxic things are exposed and extracted and given the opportunity to be touched by God’s grace, generations can be blessed by the refreshment of this clean living water.

To confront or admit a secret, much less decades of them, is courageous. It demands bravery and a willingness to hold that which I’ve been holding tightly much more loosely.

Releasing a toxic secret should not be done recklessly or carelessly. But it must be done with the right infrastructure of support. There is no way to spare hurt but done well, you may be able to spare even more unnecessary injury. Before unleashing a secret you have been hiding, I would recommend a confidential meeting with a professional counselor in your community. 

How do I protect our marriage from toxic secrecy?


  1. Cultivate space for brutal honesty. Not brutal in the sense of cold hearted, brow beating or undiscerning. Keeping short lists and processing unhealthy attractions, sexual fantasies, financial mistakes or oversights will not be for the faint of heart. These are tough conversations for those who seek to cultivate a ever deepening reservoir of trust. This is a habitat for healthy connection and trust to grow into a mighty oak that brings the shade and protection a marriage needs.
  2. Cultivate a healthier response with one another. When there is safety and freedom in a marriage to share about weakness, temptation, or failure there is an even greater likelihood that your partner will not be as prone to consider secrecy to avoid your toxic response. A toxic response does not justify keeping a toxic secret but it certainly would help explain it. Are there ways you can become less reactive? Can you integrate some practices in your life to help you stay grounded when you might normally be prone to a more dramatic reaction? Are there things that get triggered in you when your spouse shares about temptations or unhealthy attractions they experience? Who could you spend some time with to grow your own capacity to serve your spouse as a healing influence when they are trying to be honest with you when maybe they’ve been more secretive?
  3. Commit to seek forgiveness. When we make the pivot to protect our relationship from secrets or any other corrosive presence, we must always be mutually committed to seeking forgiveness. Sometimes this looks like one spouse confessing. Other times this looks like the offended spouse stepping up to initiate an offer of forgiveness. 
  4. Create consequences in advance. Some work I like to do with couples is to help them develop “fair fight rules” as well as some clearly stated consequences, should the offending spouse continue to break relationship through some form of toxic secrecy. When couples can agree in advance to the consequences, this helps both parties to feel a little more grounded when those consequences are activated. 
  5. Seek counseling as a preventative as opposed to a reaction. Couples typically show up in response to some breakdown in the marriage. Once a repair has been established and trust is restored, the healthiest couples integrate counseling in key transitions as a way to process and stay connected when they are experiencing so much change. 
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    Hayne Steen

    MAMFT, PMHC

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